It's a New Year but an Old Me
So, it's been a while. Last year, I had so many resolutions and things I wanted to get done but didn't actually work towards. Fun fact, I do that to myself a lot and always end up disappointed. It's a habit that I fall back into and hard to deal with. Procrastinating is easy and it's a lot more fun to watch modern day adaptions of period drama's on YouTube or watch regular adaptions of those books (we watched Jane Eyre again this past weekend and I love that story so much). As much as I lived and breathed words at one point in my life, I don't anymore. I can't read a novel in a day or find any motivation to write anymore. I'm in such a strange and lonely slump and I don't know where to start, not to mention how. Every time I start something, it's decent, it's okay. Then a couple days later, I just give up and I'm right back where I started. Something happens, either inside or outside of myself and I can't find it in me to pick it up again.
My life is not what I thought it would be. I had so many expectations and while I did achieve a few of my goals, I had a lot of let downs and I'm the only one to blame. It's one of the few things I am good at. I thought that by now, I would know myself. I would be sure and confident and have my life together but my emotions always seem to get the better of me and I never know what to do. I turned 18 last year and life just hit me like a bus. Suddenly it felt that I had to have my life planned out, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to study. I think that's something every high school senior faces and it's normal but I didn't know what to do with myself, I still don't. All the plans that I had dreamed up in my head didn't come true, I don't have my drivers license or a job and certainly no way of paying to go and live in Europe for a couple months. Instead of feeling excited, I'm mostly just scared. God's voice isn't clear and I don't know what it is that He wants me to do. I don't know which dreams and thoughts are mine and which are His, you know? I talk to Him a lot just in the mundane and the day to day and either I'm a much better person than I thought I was or He really does speak to me in those times but as soon as things get really serious, I feel like I lose any connection I had with Him.
Last year around Christmas time, I started applying for freelance writing and editing jobs. I became aware of my parents fears and I wanted to prove to them and to myself that I could make a living off of my writing, which is my dream and I believe my calling. The only response I got was a scam and needless to say, I haven't applied to any jobs since them. I feel very dramatic inside my own head but the truth is, I don't always feel things strongly. My nature has always been calm and quiet and I prefer it that way. I cannot express to you how truly upset and angry I was. This job promised a good income, I could work from home, and even if it wasn't my dream, it would be a place to start and learn and would help any other future employment. My gut feeling though was that it was a scam, that it was too good to be true. So much was wrong and didn't add up and I was right. When it was all over, I was so angry with everyone. God, the guy, but of course, myself most of all. For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've felt inferior to the people around me. That's part of why I have so many expectations for myself. I see people younger than me with jobs and drivers licenses and going to college and I have nothing going for me. My dreams seem impractical and idealistic. Lots of people dream of being an author and you can be the best writer out there, with the best world and story but unless an agent finds you and likes what you do, you don't really have a chance.
We're only really a month into the new year and already, I feel lost and pretty hopeless. It hasn't been great so far. A lot can change in the remaining 10 and a half months but, a lot can stay the same too. I still have so much to learn and so much that I want to accomplish but I've been scared to dream. Yes, three enormous paragraphs just to get around to saying that. I sincerely apologize. I know my mood has been melancholy and I am particularly spectacular at wallowing but, I should know better by now not to word vomit. I hope it's okay to let this off my chest.
Dreams are important. I've always believed that and as they say, dreaming is free. It's hard not to hope for the best. I wish I wasn't so afraid of it but I can't tell you how many times I let myself down over and over again. I'm scared to love myself and take advantage of the life around me and I know it needs to stop.
I've given myself a challenge. My streak has not been flawless, mind you, but I think I'm getting a little better. I'm trying to make a habit of writing at least 200 words a day. It's not as many as it sounds but it's a place to start and I am making some progress. Yesterday I wrote close to 700 words while the other day, I just need to make it to 200. And you know what? It's okay. I'm still learning how to set manageable expectations for myself. It's unfair of me to romanticize the future as much as I do because I have a long list of unrealistic expectations. Granted, some of them are realistic but not something I can do alone and I am historically terrible at letting people in and asking for help.
This year has already presented challenges and that's okay. As many ups and downs as I may have, I know that God will work everything out and I will be okay. I am okay and enough as I am.
I know this post is a mess and I apologize for all the rambling. All this to say, happy belated new year and thanks for being here. I genuinely appreciate it. I don't know what the message is or what I set out to do when I started, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I hope that wherever you are, you are well and doing your best, even if that's not a lot right now.
Thank you.
Yours truly,
Rey.
My life is not what I thought it would be. I had so many expectations and while I did achieve a few of my goals, I had a lot of let downs and I'm the only one to blame. It's one of the few things I am good at. I thought that by now, I would know myself. I would be sure and confident and have my life together but my emotions always seem to get the better of me and I never know what to do. I turned 18 last year and life just hit me like a bus. Suddenly it felt that I had to have my life planned out, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go to college and what I wanted to study. I think that's something every high school senior faces and it's normal but I didn't know what to do with myself, I still don't. All the plans that I had dreamed up in my head didn't come true, I don't have my drivers license or a job and certainly no way of paying to go and live in Europe for a couple months. Instead of feeling excited, I'm mostly just scared. God's voice isn't clear and I don't know what it is that He wants me to do. I don't know which dreams and thoughts are mine and which are His, you know? I talk to Him a lot just in the mundane and the day to day and either I'm a much better person than I thought I was or He really does speak to me in those times but as soon as things get really serious, I feel like I lose any connection I had with Him.
Last year around Christmas time, I started applying for freelance writing and editing jobs. I became aware of my parents fears and I wanted to prove to them and to myself that I could make a living off of my writing, which is my dream and I believe my calling. The only response I got was a scam and needless to say, I haven't applied to any jobs since them. I feel very dramatic inside my own head but the truth is, I don't always feel things strongly. My nature has always been calm and quiet and I prefer it that way. I cannot express to you how truly upset and angry I was. This job promised a good income, I could work from home, and even if it wasn't my dream, it would be a place to start and learn and would help any other future employment. My gut feeling though was that it was a scam, that it was too good to be true. So much was wrong and didn't add up and I was right. When it was all over, I was so angry with everyone. God, the guy, but of course, myself most of all. For pretty much as long as I can remember, I've felt inferior to the people around me. That's part of why I have so many expectations for myself. I see people younger than me with jobs and drivers licenses and going to college and I have nothing going for me. My dreams seem impractical and idealistic. Lots of people dream of being an author and you can be the best writer out there, with the best world and story but unless an agent finds you and likes what you do, you don't really have a chance.
We're only really a month into the new year and already, I feel lost and pretty hopeless. It hasn't been great so far. A lot can change in the remaining 10 and a half months but, a lot can stay the same too. I still have so much to learn and so much that I want to accomplish but I've been scared to dream. Yes, three enormous paragraphs just to get around to saying that. I sincerely apologize. I know my mood has been melancholy and I am particularly spectacular at wallowing but, I should know better by now not to word vomit. I hope it's okay to let this off my chest.
Dreams are important. I've always believed that and as they say, dreaming is free. It's hard not to hope for the best. I wish I wasn't so afraid of it but I can't tell you how many times I let myself down over and over again. I'm scared to love myself and take advantage of the life around me and I know it needs to stop.
I've given myself a challenge. My streak has not been flawless, mind you, but I think I'm getting a little better. I'm trying to make a habit of writing at least 200 words a day. It's not as many as it sounds but it's a place to start and I am making some progress. Yesterday I wrote close to 700 words while the other day, I just need to make it to 200. And you know what? It's okay. I'm still learning how to set manageable expectations for myself. It's unfair of me to romanticize the future as much as I do because I have a long list of unrealistic expectations. Granted, some of them are realistic but not something I can do alone and I am historically terrible at letting people in and asking for help.
This year has already presented challenges and that's okay. As many ups and downs as I may have, I know that God will work everything out and I will be okay. I am okay and enough as I am.
I know this post is a mess and I apologize for all the rambling. All this to say, happy belated new year and thanks for being here. I genuinely appreciate it. I don't know what the message is or what I set out to do when I started, but I suppose it doesn't really matter. I hope that wherever you are, you are well and doing your best, even if that's not a lot right now.
Thank you.
Yours truly,
Rey.
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