Optimism and rabbit holes

     Daylight savings is stupid. I don't understand why we have anymore it but it exists. Consequently, I've been waking up early every day this week so that I don't die when I have a morning shift at work. Granted, this week has only been about three days long thus far, but I'm over it. I don't even wake up that early but it stays dark for so long. Last week was actually great, the sun was out and it was warm, all our trees have started the bloom and spring flowers are erupting everywhere but now it's cold and grey again. It feels so different. I talk about change a lot but it's sometimes weird to watch it happen in real time. Sunday was the anniversary of lockdown, at least in the U.S. It's weird how something that was supposed to last two weeks has gone on for fifty two. It's also weird how normal it is now. People were doing their best to be optimistic and positive in the beginning, there was understanding as to why and people were rallying around each other. Then it seemed like everyone just got angry. Now, it's just quiet and I think everyone's over it but accepting that this is life now and I don't know how we go back. 

   On a lighter note, I started making myself milk tea last week because of how warm it was outside and as someone who drinks hot tea religiously, I actually really enjoyed it and I look forward to making it more this summer. I love tea with everything in me but it's hard to drink a warm beverage when it's hot outside so I'm glad to have found a solution. I bought myself an embroidery kit last week. It arrived yesterday and I started it this morning. I'm so excited about it! As a kid, my mom taught me how to cross stitch, which I do enjoy, but I've been wanting to learn more stitches and I just didn't know where to start, hence, the kit. All the colors are so pretty and it hasn't been too hard so far. I bake relatively often but we don't need that many calories and I still need to create something. Yes, I write, but it does feel like work sometimes. It's also nice to have something tangible and work with my hands. I'm excited to keep working on it and to hopefully do more in the future. My biggest news is that I'm getting a car! God will sometimes answer prayers you never thought to pray or never dared to and this is one of those. I've been wanting something of my own and with life changing, we've been getting closer to needing an extra vehicle. The money is a bit intimidating because I really am not making a whole lot at the moment but because I'll be paying my parents, the terms are entirely reasonable. It'll be nice to be able to use the car without having to worry about other people needing it or having other people work around me because I have a job and need transportation. 

    Life has definitely been weird for me. I don't know if this is a girl thing but I feel like I'm constantly in the middle of drama and it gets exhausting. I'm also in a weird place in my life. It feels like I'm between seasons, much like March has been. It's not spring but it's not winter anymore either. I'm not a child anymore but I'm not an adult either. I'll be turning twenty this year which is honestly a scary thought. I feel so old sometimes but I know that I'm really not. I still have so much life in front of me but I'm not sure where to go from here. In all honesty, I don't quite know where I am. The topic of college comes up all the time at work and I feel so awkward telling people that I'm not in school, even though my objections are relatively sound. College just seems like one of those things you're supposed to do and I'm not doing it. I'm glad to be working now at least but I still wonder if I'm making the right decision. Again, I'm young, there's no reason why I can't change my mind later on, but I still catch myself thinking that this is stupid and that's what everyone else is doing so why am I not going, isn't college what you're supposed to do after high school? It's hard. I feel like there's so much to consider and I have no answers to my questions. But, hey, that's life sometimes and I will be alright. 

    Something I've had to do with myself lately is force positivity. It's so easy for me to get stressed and frustrated over the smallest things. Again, this week has only been a couple days long but it's hit me pretty hard. I've been feeling more stuck and I don't know how to move on from this state of being. It's so easy to get stuck in the same thoughts and insecurities when you're breathing in the same air. Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain and all I can focus on is the negative. Emotions feel so big and overwhelming and thoughts run so quickly. As humans, we crave change but it has to look like what we want it to look like. It can be hard for us to accept that things just happen and sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not, but it will be okay. We will be okay. No matter how cynical someone is, it's human nature to hope for the best and to look for the good. Even if all we see are worst case scenarios, we still hope that we're wrong and that things will work out. 

    Hold onto hope. Look for the good in the world around you. Even if it's small, find something to be grateful for. God has created such a magnificent world for us to live in. I'm thankful for clouds and flowers and people. I'm thankful for every cup of tea. I'm grateful to be young and that I have time to make decisions. I'm grateful for the grace to make mistakes and change my mind. I'm grateful to be alive. Once you find one thing to be thankful for, it's easy to start overflowing with gratitude. When it feels like nothing is going according to plan, look for the things that make you happy. It doesn't have to be big or fancy, just find one thing and let it turn into another and another. 

    Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians to take every thought captive and while the context is about obedience, I think that it's something we can use in our day to day lives. We can all recognize doubt and insecurity. We can recognize anger and bitterness. Take those thoughts captive. Stop those thoughts before you go down that rabbit hole. Change the way you think. Make the decision to be optimistic even when it's the last thing you feel. I believe that God can bring good out of every season and situation, that nothing we do is without purpose. We're called to live with hope, it was instilled in us before time began. As Christians, we're called to be a light to the world and to reflect the light that we've found in Jesus. If all we focus on is the darkness we see and even find ourselves in sometimes, than we're not going to be a light. James 1 tells us to consider it joy when we face hardships and frustration. I know that's easier said than done sometimes but like I said, it doesn't have to be big or grand. If God can create everything with something as small as words, than so can you. Turn your thoughts around. Look for things that give you joy, no matter how small. Your words have more power than you know, use them to speak life. You won't be able to do it all the time, at least, I haven't been able to, but it gets really exhausting living in negativity. Things get blown out of proportion when we get lost in our thoughts and our emotions. We don't always have control over what we feel but we can control how we respond. 

    Go have a cup a tea and maybe a cookie with it. Get some fresh air and sunshine if you can. Give yourself room to breathe and let today be a good day. 

Yours Truly, 

Rey.