Culture and Callings

     The most marvelous thing has happened this week! This past Friday, the U.S. Supreme Court voted to overturn Roe v. Wade, allowing the States to determine the legalities of abortion. Several States have already made abortion illegal and while there is a lot of fighting left to do so that abortion becomes unthinkable, it's a start. I am apprehensive. We have a lot of work to do to prepare for the outcomes. The church is going to have to step up to help mothers and babies, to support families who want to foster and adopt, and that is going to be a steep learning curve. I am nervous about what things will look like going forward, but on the whole,  I'm so grateful for the people that care and are doing something and for an answer to prayer. 

    Watching myself grow up has been interesting. I can only imagine how my parents feel. Life changes so quickly. I'm getting married in less than four months, I've been driving for three years, working for a year and a half. It feels like I've done a lot of growing up lately. I've been house hunting and wedding planning and reached so many milestones. Every time I feel grown up, something come along and I'm left freaking out because I know so little. I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life but I haven't been doing those things. I'm doing my best not to hate my job but I don't know what I want to do instead. My dreams feel more like ideas and I haven't put them to paper. Life is not what I thought it would be.

    I wasn't always as passionate about abortion or sex or anything else I've been discussing here lately. I always knew I wanted to save myself for marriage but I was young and homeschooled. I went to church at least once a week. Morality was seemingly everywhere and as grateful as I am for my upbringing, it was very sheltered. I've learnt and seen so much and the world has changed too. I knew what abortion was and that it was wrong but I knew so little about it and didn't have a voice or the knowledge to object. I think all Christians are called to ministry, not necessarily in church, but it is our responsibility to represent the one whose name we bear, to encourage, and make His ways and laws known. Perhaps this will be mine, though I'm really not sure how to go about it. I still have so much growing to do myself and sometimes it seems like the more I learn about God, the less I know. This world needs Him so desperately but I feel like an inadequate representative. I cannot love as He loves and I'm not half as full of grace as He is. My compassion is tainted with judgement and I feel I am always reminded of my own sin. I could never compare to Jesus, who lived pure and blameless. He was the son of God and His humanity never changed that. I've believed in Him since I was little but that has not changed my aptitude for sin. I wish I could be like Jesus, full of love and gentility. I wish I had never known sin but I have and I'm grateful for the chance He's given me. I'm grateful for the grace that's been given and I never want to forget it, though I do. I want to be like Him but not enough to live it, so it would seem.

    The culture we live in is terrifying. We're so selfish and it pervades our society. I get so caught up in it and overwhelmed by it. I is the word I use the most and my feelings leave little room for selflessness. Everything is about you and your happiness and what you can do for yourself. I swear, we're being brainwashed to be selfish and I have no idea why. Perhaps it is the country I live in or the generation I'm unfortunately a part of but there is no avoiding it. Truth is no longer universal and our feelings are the only things that matter until they interfere with someone else's. It's awful. I read classic books and watch historical dramas and wish I could be a part of that world. Maybe I wouldn't be able to make enough money to support myself as a woman or inherit or own property but at least I would be in a world that makes more sense than this one. Your roles were clear depending on sex or class and you knew what life would be. My goal in life would be to marry well and mother children and run a well kept home. In truth, that's my goal in life anyways, but it was much clearer back then and there was no stigma against it. And I know, things aren't as rose colored as I find them in my novels but sometimes I doubt our progression has been for the better. Everything is about us and while, yes, I do want to be happy, that can't be the most important thing.

    Alas, we see it in the church too. I've spent my life listening to stories about other people and trying to fit myself into them. I've listened to sermons where the pastor will encourage that God has a plan for me and my life. I sing songs that are called worship but looking at the lyrics, those songs give me emphasis rather than praise my God. I've spent so much time waiting for the personal calling I was promised before doing something for my faith. I wasn't passionate about it because I couldn't see where I fit in or what I was supposed to do. I don't know that the pro-life movement or talking about morality is my ministry. If so, I feel quite unequipped for all my ranting about them, but I am passionate about those things and motivated to speak up about them. I don't have to have a personal calling, I only have to do what is right. Granted, I'm still working on this. I don't know how to be a Christian in this world. I drive past so many churches and see so much online. Everyone has an impression of God and of Christianity and I often feel that I cannot say anything that hasn't been said before. Who am I to even try? Where would I even start? Social media has given everyone a platform, for better or worse, and I don't know that my voice will ever be heard. I don't even want to be remembered for my voice, I just want to do what I can to love and show God's compassion for this world. I want to be kind but I want my kindness to make a difference too. 

    This isn't about me. I don't want it to be. There are so many people who have been lied to for so long, Christians and non-Christians alike. There are so many lost and lonely people who don't even know what the truth is anymore. We're so stuck inside of ourselves and that wasn't how we were made to be. There's so much emphasis put on our talents and achievements, our natural abilities and giftings. We think that God's callings work like that. Nothing is ever fixed. My passions have changed and I'm glad they have. I'm glad I don't want the same things I did when I was sixteen. I want to keep growing up and changing and learning and I hope that I can make some sort of difference in this world. I pray that my life will bring God glory and that I can learn to be more like Him. I'm grateful that callings aren't a fixed thing and they will grow and change with me. More importantly, I'm glad that it doesn't completely rest on my shoulders. It isn't about me and therefore, my experiences and mistakes don't make me any less worthy or qualified. God is in control and it's all for Him. He is faithful when I am not and is the best example I could ever ask for. The bible has everything I need to teach me how to be more like Him, to be generous and selfless. It has excellent examples of how to live and how to love. That is my calling and I'm going to do best to see it through. 

Yours Truly,

Rey