Vulnerability is required to build

     It feels like it's been ages since I sat down to write something. Work has been busy, which I honestly should've expected, but I'm definitely aware of the time that I've lost. It feels weird when I'm not working. Discipline has gotten harder at home because when I do sit down to write, there's pressure to get it done before I have to go work, I've just gotten back from work and all I want to do is go to bed, or I have the day off and would much rather read or watch a movie. I can't focus and it does get frustrating. It's one thing to say I want to write for the rest of my life, it's another thing to actually do it some days. I have a story I've been working on and it never seems to go anywhere. I'm not motivated to write it but I don't feel like coming up with anything else. Obviously, I'll figure it out eventually, it's just the space in between that has me at least a little discouraged. Writing is easy. Writing something worthwhile is less so. 

   I like to pretend that I'm tougher than I actually am. I know that I have such a big heart for people and a capacity to love but I don't always want other people to know that. It's not too hard because I don't consider myself to be very emotional. I've always been quiet and that includes my expression of emotions. I don't laugh often, I try my utmost never to cry and if I do, I'd rather not do it in front of anyone. And maybe that's normal in this day and age, personally I've never thought of it as a big deal. "That's just the way I am." To an extent, as in all things, that's okay, but it's easy to limit myself when I say those words. Acceptance doesn't always leave room for change. That's often where comparison comes in, especially in relationships. I'll feel inadequate because I feel and express things differently or a fight won't get resolved because I don't see anything I can do to fix it. My first instinct is to curl inside of myself and just try to forget it all and that is obviously never going to resolve anything. 

    Last week I talked about love and how the church is failing in that department. That happens when we allow our faults to be bigger than God's grace. For some reason, our faults give us a false sense of security. If I stay afraid, it gives me an excuse not to do what God is calling me to do. I don't have to love and therefore, my heart won't be broken and I won't be disappointed. However, if I don't forgive and if I withhold love, I lose that relationship but the more I live and the longer I'm in relationships, the more I realize just how important it is. One of the things I often struggle with is feeling lonely. I can't complain about that and then not bother to get to know anyone. Friendships and relationships are not built hiding in the shadows. They take effort and communication and not just talking about day to day things. We have to talk about the circumstances we're in, our bad days as well as our good ones. Relationships don't just happen, they have to be built and developed and that requires patience and commitment. We have to make the decision to work out differences and misunderstandings. That means being honest, that means putting in work. It requires honesty and vulnerability. And yes, it is scary and maybe the other person isn't going to reciprocate but I have people in my life who, even if we don't talk for a couple weeks, I know I can still go to them with whatever and they'll be there for me because of what we've built. Just because people have left you before and people have let you down does not mean that you are unworthy of love or incapable of giving it. We all have parts of us that need work, parts that are awkward to show or talk about. But, like I said last week, that's why Jesus died. He came to forgive and to redeem the dark parts. I know just how easy it is to make excuses but there is so much more to life than fear. People cannot read minds. Unless you tell someone what's going on, they're not going to know. 

    It's been at least a year since people have been able to hang out without being afraid. I'm not worried about my health but I'm so self conscious about distancing, and do I wave or shake hands, and I hold my breath even when I have a mask on whenever I'm near someone. Being shy already made things hard for me and now I feel more unsure of myself. I've never been a touch person, I don't gravitate towards it and I didn't think I needed it but there really are days when you just need a hug. I miss people. I miss being able to visit and have conversation with people. I miss hugs. Now more than ever, people are so alone. I don't ever want to disregard the importance of being with people and that is so much bigger than just being in the same building with someone. I know it's awkward right now but we need to get back to making friends and doing life with other people because there are lonely people, people who are hurting and scared. God is so good and so capable of doing miraculous things but that doesn't mean that you get to sit back and watch. His plan and His intention is to get things done through you. So be a friend to someone and allow people to be a friend to you. God will fill your gaps but you need people to keep you accountable, to speak and encourage, to give hugs. 

Yours Truly,

Rey