Freedom Indeed

     I did not mean to forget about this for the whole of July! I was told early on that if you can get through engagement and wedding planning, marriage will be a breeze. Needless to say, I've definitely learned that in the past couple of weeks. The first couple of months weren't that bad. I had so much fun shopping for my dress and spending way too much time on Pintrest, figuring out colors, looking for ideas and inspiration. I went out several times to buy all my vases, which was fun, and too many trips to the craft store getting materials for some of the decor. But things creep up on you and you have disagreements and even though I'm doing so much myself, it's still so expensive. Things became overwhelming very quickly. This past weekend felt like the first weekend in a long time that I could breathe. If you can avoid house hunting while planning a mostly DIY wedding, do it. Both situations are stressful enough, they do not need to be combined. We are officially under contract for a house and while there are still details to be worked out for the wedding, I'm already dreaming of paint colors for what could very well be our future house. I'm better adjusted to the idea of this next chapter of my life. I think that with things getting closer and the promise of a space of our own, there's a great deal more comfort. 

    Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy." I don't know what is is about this verse that has stuck with me for the past couple of months. I have it written out on a small piece of paper on the wall in my room as a reminder and I suppose it's working. It stands out to me when I read or when I'm thinking. The past couple of months have been a perfect example of me doing the opposite. And that's not to say that a wedding or a house isn't good or right. I hope the wedding will be lovely and that the marriage will be even more so, but it's different when you're getting caught up in the details and putting pressure on yourself to make it those things. At that point it's messy and emotional and while important, sometimes you really need a break. I spend so much time focused on things that snowball or things that are utterly mindless. It affects my mood and my attitude, it changes how I interact with people, and what I do in a day. My days can be so different depending on what I'm looking at. I swam in a river last week and sat on the rocks there. I watched the water and the clouds rolling, saw a pair of snakes, which was less fun, I think, but I had such a lovely time just existing. I talked to God and thought about life and my future. I was meditating on pure and lovely things, on good and right things. Creation has a way of inspiring life and I wish that I could bottle those moments up for whenever I needed them. Life is different when we don't weigh ourselves down as much. 

    My thoughts are not always pure. I was thinking about how different our justice system is to God's. In the first few books of the old testament, we see God's response to sin and it seems so extreme to me sometimes. I know that's how He really feels about it and why such a high price had to be paid so that we could be with Him but it's scary to think about the fact that the sins we commit add up to so much. Sin feels so private. Adultery and fornication happens over cell phones that sit in our pockets, lying is second nature, the whole world is a tap away and people are on display for us to envy from a distance. Selfishness is trained and encouraged and sin is diminished. The world is grey, not black and white, and it's so hard to navigate. The concept of morality has changed drastically and values are so different to what they once were. Offenses that warranted death are commonplace and rarely end in any punishment. This is the world we live in and it's wonder people don't really see a need for God anymore. Sin isn't taken seriously. Rules prevent fun, it obstructs our happiness. We live in a world of instant gratification and limited consequences and I don't think we're any better off for it. There's emptiness in all of us and a desire for something bigger, a desire for importance and love. There's an understanding of right and wrong, moral compasses do exist, but we live in a place that taints the good things and twists wrong into right. Sin is more accessible than ever and we're supposed to pretend it doesn't exist. Christians can't even acknowledge or talk about their own sins, how are we supposed to be an example to the world? 

    At Passion in January, Jennie Allen got up and preached an incredible sermon and expresses this much more eloquently than I think I did. She talked about weight and sin and shame. I think perhaps I feel it so deeply because I am a Christian. I've accepted Jesus into my life and am trying to live a life for Him. In John 8:34-36, Jesus says this: "I tell you the truth: everyone who commits sin surrenders his freedom to sin. He is a slave to sin’s power. Even a household slave does not live in the home like a member of the family, but a son belongs there forever. So think of it this way: if the Son comes to make you free, you will really be free." I have freedom from sin so why do I persist in it? Why do I still struggle with it? Sin is based in selfishness. It offers instant gratification and parades as comfort. We seek solace in it because that's what we see around us. God isn't real to us or if He is, He comes second to everything else in our lives. What would happen if the only thing we feared was God? How would we live differently? Why don't we challenge Him to keep His promises for comfort and provision instead of looking for it in the places we shouldn't? If Jesus is real, there's no need to dwell in sin. None. Walking it out is hard. There are habits and temptations that seem so much stronger than I but hard isn't impossible. I have people around me who care and want the best for me. I have safe places to go for encouragement and accountability. God never intended us to face this alone. That's why He sent Jesus to die for our sins and the Holy Spirit as a helper. That's why He calls Christians to be together. 

    Ask for help when you need it. Don't be concerned with living differently when it's right. Walk away and let your walls down. You have the strength and you aren't alone. I'm grateful that sins don't have the severe punishments they used and for the mercy and grace we have to start again. Don't squander those opportunities and that deep and holy love. Live in the freedom that was purchased for you and have to courage to not look back. I know it's hard. I will be the first to admit that I mess up again and again but I want my faith to be big enough to believe that God is who He says He is and He's the only thing I have to fear (in a good way). I want to live differently and sincerely and by God's grace, I hope that, little by little, I become more like Him. I hope that I learn to get up and walk away when I am tempted or afraid and return to my first love, not a second thought. I want to meditate on what it pure and right and lovely and walk in step with my creator. I want God to be real in me and to live out of that space to the best of my abilities. I know I say things like this all of the time, but I want to stoke fire within me, not let it burn out. Belief cannot stop with acknowledgement. We have to do something about it, pursue it, and I pray that God gives me the strength and the courage to do so. I pray the same for you. 

Yours truly,

Rey