How Many Times Do I Have to Say the Same Thing Before I Become a Broken Record?
One thing I've noticed of myself of late is just how much I romanticize things. Granted, there are worse traits to have but this seems more like a fault of mine. I call it melancholy rather than depressed, and use words like lost, wandering, or drowning, to describe how I feel. My days are spent brooding as I listen to sad songs, waiting for my life to start rather than doing what I can to take advantage of the one I already have. My dreams are wasted on me and I often feel like I have already grieved them even though I haven't had the chance to work towards them yet. There's so much heartache and so little hope. I feel like sometimes I give up on dreams before I even dream them. I've romanticized my future to the point where it seems impossible. How could live be that grand? How could I be that happy.
Another thing that I've realized is that, with all my romanticism, I've lost the ability to be happy. Part of it is the cynicism talking because why should I be happy when I'm just going to be sad again later? Every time I'm happy it seems, my hopes get dashed before I know it. I can't live without a little bit of stress and I cling to it with everything in me because that has been the most constant thing in my life for as long as I can remember. And, don't get me wrong, I have a good life and a good family, I had a happy childhood. But somewhere along the way, I let myself or forced myself to grow up quickly and I will never get that back. I find myself mourning for something that never was, too scared to hope because those dreams never came true, so how could my current ones. More often than not, I find more comfort in my melancholy than in any of the joy I experience. It's where I find safety and consistency and I'm beginning to wonder if that is my downfall. Maybe it seems silly or obvious to someone else but when all you've known for years is your own misery, it's terrifying to hope that you could have a better reality. It's easier to wallow than to work. Emotions are horribly complicated and difficult. I don't know what to do with myself more oft than not.
Fear is my greatest adversary. Growing up I was shy, even now I still have my moments. Talking to people and opening up is one of the most impossible things for me to do. And it's not just about doubting my value, it's mostly just about my cowardice. I'm scared to let people close, I'm scared of being hurt, I am scared of myself. Everyday, I am faced with my own inadequacy and the last thing I want is for others to see that. As much as I romanticize my faults, I am all too aware of them. I don't want anyone else to see those parts and so I distance myself to the best of my abilities and in the moments when I am vulnerable, I only share half truths and never the whole picture because who could love me? I'm a mess in every way, shape, and form. Yes, that's what it is to be human but it's easy for me to feel like I am the most human of them all. Riddled with flaws and scared.
For all my dressing up and attempts at poetry, I am not as beautiful as I wish I was. Eloquence does not make me happy. The truth of it is, I'm insecure, desperate to make my circumstances sound pretty when in reality, there is no excuse for my feelings. I should know better than to hold on so tightly to those dark days as the only sense of consistency I can find. There are better things to hold onto. I lose the ability to believe and have hope that my dreams can be realized. I give up and I'm lazy. My fears are easy to listen to and I do. I listen to them and I hide because I prefer the night to the day. Of course, I then proceed to complain, begging God to help out of that place and wondering why I let myself fall so far in the first place. I look for someone to blame and there's only me. I'm the one stuck in my head, lost in my thoughts, and letting myself drown in those emotions.
I don't know the way out but I think I'm getting there. In the realization of my romanticizing, I'm trying to catch myself before I get to carried away and address the underlying issues. I'm trying to be braver and stand up for myself in the face of all my fears because as hard as it is, I know that I'll be much better off. I have to kick my own butt and work. My dreams are worth fighting for and I refuse to let my life be in vain. Dreaming is free and so why not choose hope? Why do I think melancholy is a better option when it so obviously isn't. I have to learn how to hold onto hope and be lionhearted and I know that I can be. It's just going to take some time but I know that it will be alright.
I know that I've been on this train of thought for a while now. Believe me, I'm as tired of it as I'm sure you are. Writing has been my weapon for a couple years now and I'm trying to be better about keeping it sharp. Granted, there are probably hundreds of better ways of doing it than writing the same thing repeatedly to be shared on the internet but here we are. My life has been and is still going through a lot of changes and I'm just trying to figure it out. No, I'm not where I thought I would be and though that has contributed to a great deal of stress and frustration, I'm trusting that it's all in God's plan and that'll have to be that. Thank you for putting up with all of it. Today wasn't supposed to be too much of a vent, I was mostly just trying to see how eloquent I could be. I think I succeeded but I do apologize anyway. I will do my best to choose a decent subject for my next post, hopefully something cheery.
Yours truly,
Rey
Another thing that I've realized is that, with all my romanticism, I've lost the ability to be happy. Part of it is the cynicism talking because why should I be happy when I'm just going to be sad again later? Every time I'm happy it seems, my hopes get dashed before I know it. I can't live without a little bit of stress and I cling to it with everything in me because that has been the most constant thing in my life for as long as I can remember. And, don't get me wrong, I have a good life and a good family, I had a happy childhood. But somewhere along the way, I let myself or forced myself to grow up quickly and I will never get that back. I find myself mourning for something that never was, too scared to hope because those dreams never came true, so how could my current ones. More often than not, I find more comfort in my melancholy than in any of the joy I experience. It's where I find safety and consistency and I'm beginning to wonder if that is my downfall. Maybe it seems silly or obvious to someone else but when all you've known for years is your own misery, it's terrifying to hope that you could have a better reality. It's easier to wallow than to work. Emotions are horribly complicated and difficult. I don't know what to do with myself more oft than not.
Fear is my greatest adversary. Growing up I was shy, even now I still have my moments. Talking to people and opening up is one of the most impossible things for me to do. And it's not just about doubting my value, it's mostly just about my cowardice. I'm scared to let people close, I'm scared of being hurt, I am scared of myself. Everyday, I am faced with my own inadequacy and the last thing I want is for others to see that. As much as I romanticize my faults, I am all too aware of them. I don't want anyone else to see those parts and so I distance myself to the best of my abilities and in the moments when I am vulnerable, I only share half truths and never the whole picture because who could love me? I'm a mess in every way, shape, and form. Yes, that's what it is to be human but it's easy for me to feel like I am the most human of them all. Riddled with flaws and scared.
For all my dressing up and attempts at poetry, I am not as beautiful as I wish I was. Eloquence does not make me happy. The truth of it is, I'm insecure, desperate to make my circumstances sound pretty when in reality, there is no excuse for my feelings. I should know better than to hold on so tightly to those dark days as the only sense of consistency I can find. There are better things to hold onto. I lose the ability to believe and have hope that my dreams can be realized. I give up and I'm lazy. My fears are easy to listen to and I do. I listen to them and I hide because I prefer the night to the day. Of course, I then proceed to complain, begging God to help out of that place and wondering why I let myself fall so far in the first place. I look for someone to blame and there's only me. I'm the one stuck in my head, lost in my thoughts, and letting myself drown in those emotions.
I don't know the way out but I think I'm getting there. In the realization of my romanticizing, I'm trying to catch myself before I get to carried away and address the underlying issues. I'm trying to be braver and stand up for myself in the face of all my fears because as hard as it is, I know that I'll be much better off. I have to kick my own butt and work. My dreams are worth fighting for and I refuse to let my life be in vain. Dreaming is free and so why not choose hope? Why do I think melancholy is a better option when it so obviously isn't. I have to learn how to hold onto hope and be lionhearted and I know that I can be. It's just going to take some time but I know that it will be alright.
I know that I've been on this train of thought for a while now. Believe me, I'm as tired of it as I'm sure you are. Writing has been my weapon for a couple years now and I'm trying to be better about keeping it sharp. Granted, there are probably hundreds of better ways of doing it than writing the same thing repeatedly to be shared on the internet but here we are. My life has been and is still going through a lot of changes and I'm just trying to figure it out. No, I'm not where I thought I would be and though that has contributed to a great deal of stress and frustration, I'm trusting that it's all in God's plan and that'll have to be that. Thank you for putting up with all of it. Today wasn't supposed to be too much of a vent, I was mostly just trying to see how eloquent I could be. I think I succeeded but I do apologize anyway. I will do my best to choose a decent subject for my next post, hopefully something cheery.
Yours truly,
Rey
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