Plans or a Lack Thereof
I'm admittedly a little hesitant to write this because I feel like it's going to sound exactly like my last one but I want to be more consistent in my blogging this year, so, I'm going to write what I want to write.
Not much has changed since my last post. I'm feeling a little more stable and sure of myself but I'm still facing the same struggles. It's hard finding the line between what God wants for me and what I want and what my parents want. God doesn't always speak as immediately or as clearly as you want him too and waiting isn't easy. I like to think that I can be patient and that I can wait as long as I need to but, I am human and it sucks. I graduate in almost exactly two months now and I don't know what I'm going to do in fall. Personally, I think I would love college and do really well there. I could study English and psychology and have fun. There's a chance that I could make new friends. Sometimes I worry that by staying home, I might lose the chance to grow up. I have no identity really outside of my family and though that's not a bad thing, I really want to figure out who I am and who I could be as an individual. College would be the perfect opportunity for that. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person who overanalyzes everything and there's always a flipside. College is not cheap and I know so many people who don't use their degree. Either I or my parents would be paying for something that I don't really need. I've been writing for years now and I have plenty of experience. Yes, the subjects that I would study would be beneficial but it's a lot of money that I don't have for something I'm not sure about. Then I go back and think that I am more likely to be hired if I have a degree and so I should go. I don't know what I want or honestly what God wants. He hasn't been very clear on that. The one thing I do know is that I'm called to write and I love it. At the same time though, I'm also called to family. I can't wait to be married and have my own kids. Ideally, I'd be able to work from home and writing would give me that opportunity. So then I go back to the whole college debate and ask myself all over again is it really worth it? Is it what I want or what my parents want? Is my hesitancy just me or is it God telling me not to go?
Needless to say, I'm very stressed and frustrated but I have to trust that it will be okay, because, it will be. I trust God on that much. Something I ended up thinking about last year is miracles. I hold onto promises and dreams for myself, even though, yes, they are far fetched and terrifying and there's a good chance that they'll just be dreams. It's easy for me to believe that God can perform miracles and fulfill promises for others but not for myself. I get so lost in myself and my emotions and I don't see how it'll work out. I believe I'm a good writer but am I good enough to become a best-selling author? That would genuinely take a miracle. I think it would be so much fun to be a travel writer and tour the world. Even just doing freelance writing and making money off of my passion seems laughable. And yes, I've heard so many people say that if you were able to do it on yourself, it wouldn't be God so obviously, He's going to make something happen. I know that my dream isn't for nothing but I don't know how to go about making it a reality.
I'm very good at planning the middle and the end of something and skipping the beginning entirely. This happens a lot in my writing but, it also happens in real life. I spent so long planning out what life would look like when I had the fancy writing job and when I was making money and had a cute apartment in a city somewhere or how I would go live in Europe for a year and work there and just go everywhere and see everything. I like to dream about who I'm going to marry and the adventures we'll have and get excited about being a mom. Now though, I'm stuck in an in-between and figuring out how to get to that dream is not as easy as I had thought. Even being in this place, I'm not sure how to make the most of it. I want to trust God in the waiting and I do, I'm just desperate for answers. I'm a firstborn and everything in me is looking for a plan so that I can make a decision. All I have though are dreams and though those aren't bad, I desperately want things to work out. Yes, it's okay not to have everything planned out because that gives God space to move but boy, is it stressful. It's easy to say that God will work things out and get behind it but it's hard to hold onto when life gets stagnant.
I've been writing a lot lately and I honestly forgot how much I loved it. I'm trying to be faithful with this calling so that God can move when he needs to and frankly, I'm not sure what else to do. I can't become a best-selling author if I don't have any books written. However, when something happens, I wallow. I hate it but it's instinctual. When circumstances are difficult, I just stop. I don't read or write or play my guitar. I just sit and sulk and nurse the wounds that for the most, I put on myself. I'm the one who has issues with my younger sister being a better driver than I am at this point and closer to getting her license or that my best friends have jobs and are earning money. I find all these reasons to make myself small and then I wonder why I feel so terrible and lonely. One of the things I'm especially good at is isolating myself. Friendships don't come easy to me to begin with and I make up so many excuses not to open up to the people that I care about and I know care about me. I'm scared of getting hurt and having my heart broken.
In all of this, I've had to open up to some people. People say all the time that we aren't designed to be alone and, it's true. As hard as it is, I have to allow myself to be a friend as much as they are mine. Relationships aren't meant to be one-sided. If it is, it's not a relationship. You have to open up to people. And it is utterly terrifying. I'm the kind of person that trembles when I'm nervous and scared and I cannot tell you how much I shake, just going up to a person to say hello. I've been trying to get over my timidity for years now so believe me, I know how difficult it is to open up to people. It's hard giving people the chance to let you down, or for you to let them down. If there's anything I've learnt though, it's that it is worth it.
Though I'm still young, I feel like I've learnt so much. I'm growing tremendously and as scary as it is, I know that God's got it. I will be okay. I haven't been called for nothing, I know there's a plan and a purpose on my life and any struggle will be resolved. Things will be better than anything I can imagine right now. And though I have no idea what I'm doing right now, I'm learning that it's okay. I'm not alone, there are people around me who are believing for my gaps to be filled and who genuinely care about me. It's amazing to have people who can be strong when you can't and have faith where you have doubts. I'm finding more and more joy the more I actually allow myself to be a person, especially in my friendships. There are people behind me, cheering me on and as undeserving as I feel, it also feels really good. Even if I don't have a plan, I'm well looked after and provided for. I'm in a good place and I'm very grateful for that. I don't think that life was ever meant to be easy, it was hoped for but the reality is different. We all go through struggles and stagnant places but, there is a plan and promises and miracles do happen.
I know that I rambled a great deal, which shouldn't surprise me anymore but I always hope that it comes out making sense. Hopefully with more frequent updates, my writing becomes more concise but I can make no promises. My brain is a very mysterious place and I don't know what's up more oft than not. Anyways, thank you if you made it this far and sorry it's such a mess.
Yours truly,
Rey
Not much has changed since my last post. I'm feeling a little more stable and sure of myself but I'm still facing the same struggles. It's hard finding the line between what God wants for me and what I want and what my parents want. God doesn't always speak as immediately or as clearly as you want him too and waiting isn't easy. I like to think that I can be patient and that I can wait as long as I need to but, I am human and it sucks. I graduate in almost exactly two months now and I don't know what I'm going to do in fall. Personally, I think I would love college and do really well there. I could study English and psychology and have fun. There's a chance that I could make new friends. Sometimes I worry that by staying home, I might lose the chance to grow up. I have no identity really outside of my family and though that's not a bad thing, I really want to figure out who I am and who I could be as an individual. College would be the perfect opportunity for that. Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person who overanalyzes everything and there's always a flipside. College is not cheap and I know so many people who don't use their degree. Either I or my parents would be paying for something that I don't really need. I've been writing for years now and I have plenty of experience. Yes, the subjects that I would study would be beneficial but it's a lot of money that I don't have for something I'm not sure about. Then I go back and think that I am more likely to be hired if I have a degree and so I should go. I don't know what I want or honestly what God wants. He hasn't been very clear on that. The one thing I do know is that I'm called to write and I love it. At the same time though, I'm also called to family. I can't wait to be married and have my own kids. Ideally, I'd be able to work from home and writing would give me that opportunity. So then I go back to the whole college debate and ask myself all over again is it really worth it? Is it what I want or what my parents want? Is my hesitancy just me or is it God telling me not to go?
Needless to say, I'm very stressed and frustrated but I have to trust that it will be okay, because, it will be. I trust God on that much. Something I ended up thinking about last year is miracles. I hold onto promises and dreams for myself, even though, yes, they are far fetched and terrifying and there's a good chance that they'll just be dreams. It's easy for me to believe that God can perform miracles and fulfill promises for others but not for myself. I get so lost in myself and my emotions and I don't see how it'll work out. I believe I'm a good writer but am I good enough to become a best-selling author? That would genuinely take a miracle. I think it would be so much fun to be a travel writer and tour the world. Even just doing freelance writing and making money off of my passion seems laughable. And yes, I've heard so many people say that if you were able to do it on yourself, it wouldn't be God so obviously, He's going to make something happen. I know that my dream isn't for nothing but I don't know how to go about making it a reality.
I'm very good at planning the middle and the end of something and skipping the beginning entirely. This happens a lot in my writing but, it also happens in real life. I spent so long planning out what life would look like when I had the fancy writing job and when I was making money and had a cute apartment in a city somewhere or how I would go live in Europe for a year and work there and just go everywhere and see everything. I like to dream about who I'm going to marry and the adventures we'll have and get excited about being a mom. Now though, I'm stuck in an in-between and figuring out how to get to that dream is not as easy as I had thought. Even being in this place, I'm not sure how to make the most of it. I want to trust God in the waiting and I do, I'm just desperate for answers. I'm a firstborn and everything in me is looking for a plan so that I can make a decision. All I have though are dreams and though those aren't bad, I desperately want things to work out. Yes, it's okay not to have everything planned out because that gives God space to move but boy, is it stressful. It's easy to say that God will work things out and get behind it but it's hard to hold onto when life gets stagnant.
I've been writing a lot lately and I honestly forgot how much I loved it. I'm trying to be faithful with this calling so that God can move when he needs to and frankly, I'm not sure what else to do. I can't become a best-selling author if I don't have any books written. However, when something happens, I wallow. I hate it but it's instinctual. When circumstances are difficult, I just stop. I don't read or write or play my guitar. I just sit and sulk and nurse the wounds that for the most, I put on myself. I'm the one who has issues with my younger sister being a better driver than I am at this point and closer to getting her license or that my best friends have jobs and are earning money. I find all these reasons to make myself small and then I wonder why I feel so terrible and lonely. One of the things I'm especially good at is isolating myself. Friendships don't come easy to me to begin with and I make up so many excuses not to open up to the people that I care about and I know care about me. I'm scared of getting hurt and having my heart broken.
In all of this, I've had to open up to some people. People say all the time that we aren't designed to be alone and, it's true. As hard as it is, I have to allow myself to be a friend as much as they are mine. Relationships aren't meant to be one-sided. If it is, it's not a relationship. You have to open up to people. And it is utterly terrifying. I'm the kind of person that trembles when I'm nervous and scared and I cannot tell you how much I shake, just going up to a person to say hello. I've been trying to get over my timidity for years now so believe me, I know how difficult it is to open up to people. It's hard giving people the chance to let you down, or for you to let them down. If there's anything I've learnt though, it's that it is worth it.
Though I'm still young, I feel like I've learnt so much. I'm growing tremendously and as scary as it is, I know that God's got it. I will be okay. I haven't been called for nothing, I know there's a plan and a purpose on my life and any struggle will be resolved. Things will be better than anything I can imagine right now. And though I have no idea what I'm doing right now, I'm learning that it's okay. I'm not alone, there are people around me who are believing for my gaps to be filled and who genuinely care about me. It's amazing to have people who can be strong when you can't and have faith where you have doubts. I'm finding more and more joy the more I actually allow myself to be a person, especially in my friendships. There are people behind me, cheering me on and as undeserving as I feel, it also feels really good. Even if I don't have a plan, I'm well looked after and provided for. I'm in a good place and I'm very grateful for that. I don't think that life was ever meant to be easy, it was hoped for but the reality is different. We all go through struggles and stagnant places but, there is a plan and promises and miracles do happen.
I know that I rambled a great deal, which shouldn't surprise me anymore but I always hope that it comes out making sense. Hopefully with more frequent updates, my writing becomes more concise but I can make no promises. My brain is a very mysterious place and I don't know what's up more oft than not. Anyways, thank you if you made it this far and sorry it's such a mess.
Yours truly,
Rey
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