Emotions are annoying sometimes

The past week has been a little strange, though not considerably compared to the past couple of months we've had. My emotions have been up and down and I'm not quite sure of things. I'm becoming increasingly aware of how little school I have left to do, and though I know better now, I don't completely mind that I procrastinated as much as I did. I've been doing school for as long as I can remember and as I have no immediate plans to go to college, the fact that that part of my life is so close to being over is otherworldly. As much as I want to finish and finish strong, it does scare me.

And maybe that doesn't really mean much because, let's face it, I get scared more easily than I like to admit. Sometimes it feels like I live in a perpetual place of anxiety and I'm not sure how to put all of it aside. Today I was both offered a job and disqualified from it. The job itself would've been an incredible opportunity and it was nice to have time to dream but, I don't have everything I would need to make it happen. I tend to do that more often than is probably healthy; dream about something that seems so possible only to have it dissolve into nothing. Perhaps I'm being dramatic about it all but, for a moment, it felt like things were actually going to work out. Like I said in my last post, I've realized that I still have some growing up to do, and this felt like I could finally do that. It also gave me the hope that maybe my plans were actually in line with what God wants but truthfully, I'm very lost in that department. I've been doing my best to wait and listen but trying to sort out God's voice through my own thoughts is tricky, if He is actually talking to me like that. I don't know. As far as I know, He hasn't given me any clear advice as to where to go and what to do. I know I'm called to write but I don't know how to go about doing it.

Now, I know, I know. I've rambled about this all before and I'm sorry. It's just hard on my own. Do to my own insecurities, I have very few friends and fewer still of whom I feel genuinely close enough to open up to. And I have no one to blame but myself for this situation. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of being let down, both by myself and others, but most of all, I'm afraid that I will let the people I love down. I don't know how to be anyone's friend and I've messed up every close friendship I have ever been in. Yes, it takes two people to have a relationship and nothing is wholly my fault, but I'm still haunted by how I've hurt others. And though I tell myself that I keep my distance for their protection more than mine, there is a part of me that knows that I'm still afraid of being hurt myself. It was so easy to have friends when I was a kid. We would just play games or watch movies and it was fun to stay up late for a sleepover. That's all it took to be best friends with someone. Now, I just want someone who will help me grow into myself, to stand by me and to kick my butt if need be. There's more depth required and I don't know how to go there. 

For a very long time, I was in an unhealthy and dark place. And though it's been several years now since I was in the depths of it, I still wonder if I've actually healed or if I'm still stuck. I cycle through the same thoughts and emotions and insecurities that I did then, though it is on a smaller scale. I have so many doubts and I don't know how to be happy with where I am. Holding onto dreams is all I know how to do because even though they're rose colored and bigger than me and what I can do right now, it's something for me to hold onto. I'm still wishing for the flashing neon signs telling me where to go and how to accomplish those dreams. I'm scared that I'll always feel this small.

I know I shouldn't complain because this is life, this is how it goes. I just wish that I could be braver. Every day, I feel like I have so much more growing up to do because I am painfully naïve. 

Anyways, sorry for my messiness. I've been uncharacteristically emotional today and writing was perhaps not my brightest idea but I feel a little steadier. Not quite myself but that's nothing new and I know that I'm okay, just stressed. Thank you, if you've made it this far. You are a brave soul. And it seems like I apologize every post now but I am sorry for the word vomit. God knows I don't know quite what to do with myself. Still, I know He has a plan, and I'm doing my best to trust Him, though I do wish things were clearer. Never-the-less, for all my complaining, I am okay, I promise. 

Yours Truly,

Rey.