Growing Up
So, I haven't posted in a while. It's strange how, with so much extra time to be productive, I find it hard to do anything other than binge web series adaptions of period dramas and play video games. I've been doing relatively alright with keeping up with my writing but there are always improvements to be made.
Truthfully, I should be outside today. It's absolutely splendid, the wind is blowing hard and loud and cool and the sun is shining which, for once, I don't mind but I knew that I needed to write today. I've been doing a great deal of thinking and evaluating and feeling. Everyone has, I suppose. Going into this year, I was just like everyone else. I had decided that 2020 was going to be my year. I was going to graduate and get a job so that I could actually afford all the clothes and shoes I pin on Pinterest or go to England like I've dreamed of. I would write more than ever and hopefully get a job doing what I love. I'd get my drivers license and go visit my friends or find a café to have tea and write in. Needless to say, none of that has happened. Tomorrow would've been the day I graduated. I was getting a lot better at driving a manual car in order to pass my test. I was spending time with friends and people I loved. I doubt that anyone could've predicted what this year would actually be like. For one, I was dealing with a lot of stress and personal drama (hence the odd collection of posts in February and March), and now, obviously, the world has gone insane. It's been ages since we've all been stuck at home, I can never remember what day it is. So far things have not gone as planned, which I suppose I should expect at this point.
I'm an introvert, and a stereotypical one at that. I would much rather stay inside and write then go out with friends and I remember being so exhausted all the time with all our goings-on but I miss it now. Well, not so much the exhaustion but I like being busy. I like spending time with people other than my family members, even if it means leaving the comfort of my home. It's normal now but I'm still wistful for the "good old days." Part of me is scared that this is all my life has to offer. I'll be stuck at home, dreaming of being a proper, published writer with fifty unfinished projects and no prospects. Obviously I'll at least have church again and I want to get a part time job somewhere to at least get me out of the house but I've been thinking about it a lot. And even though my graduation has been pushed back, I still have to make a decision at some point about what I'm going to do with my life. I wish somebody had told me how hard it would be. For the longest time, I truly believed that I had everything sorted out but I never have and even if I did, my plans have changed drastically. The world has turned on it's head and I've come to the realization that I still have so much to learn.
I've come to the realization that, although I have a great deal of emotional maturity, I have very little practical maturity. Maybe it was obvious to everyone else but I've only just come to that conclusion. I've never really done anything on my own. I'm homeschooled so I've always been with my mum and my siblings. My sister and I are close enough in age and interests that we've always been together. We babysit together, spend time with friends together, have worship practice together. Even though I'm the oldest, I've always lived in her shadow. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before but, for as long as I can remember, I've been timid and shy. I don't have any of my own friends, they're all my sisters because she's nice and lovely and outgoing. I'm a stick in the mud, as close to heartless as I can manage, and terribly awkward around people. So, I just follow her around and let her make friends so that I at least don't have to sit alone at lunch when we're at co-op. I don't know how to be on my own, though I've been dreaming about it for years now. That's perhaps what scares me the most about my future. Even if I get published or get a freelancing job, I don't know how to be on my own.
I've wanted to grow up for so ling but now I don't know of I can be brave enough. We've been staying home for long enough for me to know that I don't want to be here forever, I need my own space and I want to figure out who I am and who I can be as an individual. Granted, figuring out how I'm going to achieve, let alone afford that is still something I'm figuring out. My life has never been this uncertain and I am afraid but I think it's okay. A certain amount of fear is necessary, I just need to figure out how not to live in it.
Apparently, I have a great deal of figuring out to do. Wish me luck. I know that God has everything under control and I hope I'm right where he wants me. As many times as I doubt Him or myself, He's always been there and I trust Him.
I tried to keep today's post a little lighter, especially considering the circumstances. Covid came out of nowhere and I didn't really want to write about it, it's everywhere, but things are looking up now and I'm having a good day. Those are a little rare for me so I thought I would embrace the opportunity.
If you've made it this far, thank you. Forgive my endless rambling, I hope that it makes sense. Have the loveliest of days!
Yours Truly,
Rey.
Truthfully, I should be outside today. It's absolutely splendid, the wind is blowing hard and loud and cool and the sun is shining which, for once, I don't mind but I knew that I needed to write today. I've been doing a great deal of thinking and evaluating and feeling. Everyone has, I suppose. Going into this year, I was just like everyone else. I had decided that 2020 was going to be my year. I was going to graduate and get a job so that I could actually afford all the clothes and shoes I pin on Pinterest or go to England like I've dreamed of. I would write more than ever and hopefully get a job doing what I love. I'd get my drivers license and go visit my friends or find a café to have tea and write in. Needless to say, none of that has happened. Tomorrow would've been the day I graduated. I was getting a lot better at driving a manual car in order to pass my test. I was spending time with friends and people I loved. I doubt that anyone could've predicted what this year would actually be like. For one, I was dealing with a lot of stress and personal drama (hence the odd collection of posts in February and March), and now, obviously, the world has gone insane. It's been ages since we've all been stuck at home, I can never remember what day it is. So far things have not gone as planned, which I suppose I should expect at this point.
I'm an introvert, and a stereotypical one at that. I would much rather stay inside and write then go out with friends and I remember being so exhausted all the time with all our goings-on but I miss it now. Well, not so much the exhaustion but I like being busy. I like spending time with people other than my family members, even if it means leaving the comfort of my home. It's normal now but I'm still wistful for the "good old days." Part of me is scared that this is all my life has to offer. I'll be stuck at home, dreaming of being a proper, published writer with fifty unfinished projects and no prospects. Obviously I'll at least have church again and I want to get a part time job somewhere to at least get me out of the house but I've been thinking about it a lot. And even though my graduation has been pushed back, I still have to make a decision at some point about what I'm going to do with my life. I wish somebody had told me how hard it would be. For the longest time, I truly believed that I had everything sorted out but I never have and even if I did, my plans have changed drastically. The world has turned on it's head and I've come to the realization that I still have so much to learn.
I've come to the realization that, although I have a great deal of emotional maturity, I have very little practical maturity. Maybe it was obvious to everyone else but I've only just come to that conclusion. I've never really done anything on my own. I'm homeschooled so I've always been with my mum and my siblings. My sister and I are close enough in age and interests that we've always been together. We babysit together, spend time with friends together, have worship practice together. Even though I'm the oldest, I've always lived in her shadow. I can't remember if I've mentioned this before but, for as long as I can remember, I've been timid and shy. I don't have any of my own friends, they're all my sisters because she's nice and lovely and outgoing. I'm a stick in the mud, as close to heartless as I can manage, and terribly awkward around people. So, I just follow her around and let her make friends so that I at least don't have to sit alone at lunch when we're at co-op. I don't know how to be on my own, though I've been dreaming about it for years now. That's perhaps what scares me the most about my future. Even if I get published or get a freelancing job, I don't know how to be on my own.
I've wanted to grow up for so ling but now I don't know of I can be brave enough. We've been staying home for long enough for me to know that I don't want to be here forever, I need my own space and I want to figure out who I am and who I can be as an individual. Granted, figuring out how I'm going to achieve, let alone afford that is still something I'm figuring out. My life has never been this uncertain and I am afraid but I think it's okay. A certain amount of fear is necessary, I just need to figure out how not to live in it.
Apparently, I have a great deal of figuring out to do. Wish me luck. I know that God has everything under control and I hope I'm right where he wants me. As many times as I doubt Him or myself, He's always been there and I trust Him.
I tried to keep today's post a little lighter, especially considering the circumstances. Covid came out of nowhere and I didn't really want to write about it, it's everywhere, but things are looking up now and I'm having a good day. Those are a little rare for me so I thought I would embrace the opportunity.
If you've made it this far, thank you. Forgive my endless rambling, I hope that it makes sense. Have the loveliest of days!
Yours Truly,
Rey.
Comments
Post a Comment