Foundation of Grace

     It is cold today. Even our dog is bundled up. All I want to do is go curl up in bed with a book and reside there for the rest of the week but I doubt that would be a good idea. Tempting though. I don't want to complain about the cold too much because I vastly prefer it to heat but I am human and I will admit that I wish my hands weren't turning blue. Putting gloves on in the house seems a little ridiculous, but I just might. Hopefully if I type fast enough, they'll be warmer. Truthfully, it's actually nice today. The sun is up, which I try to use as a convincing argument so that my brain will at least think it's warm but it feels like all the cold air is trapped in the house and no amount of sunshine can deter it. However, I have a cup of tea and that shall be the end of all my problems.

    I've had a long journey with my faith this year. I've grown so, so much but at times, it feels like I've gone backwards. In January, I was reading my bible consistently and having quiet times. I was excited about my faith and about to start attending the church where I am now. No one else was up early in the morning and that time was all mine to do with what I wanted. That went away very quickly when I started my job. I was waking up early for long days of work and didn't want to wake up earlier to have those quiet times anymore. On my days or mornings off, I slept as long as I could because I needed it. For a while I was working almost full time hours and it was exhausting and frustrating. My faith wasn't a priority, just getting through the day was. I wasn't quite burning myself out, it really isn't as dramatic as it maybe sounds, and things have gotten much better. I don't work as many hours and though my paychecks are smaller, I've been able to write again and I'm not as stressed or exhausted as I was for a while. However, I still don't have my quiet times back in my routine and I don't touch my bible outside of writing this or church. I don't have the same excitement for it that I used to.

    I don't think my faith has shrunk by any means. I'm around a good group of people that are passionate about it and I have never doubted the gospel. But, I want to be a Christian outside of church too. My relationship can't stay confined in the walls of building I only go to once a week. I want to be praying more and seeking and the fact that I have to build a routine for it frustrates me to no end. This doesn't come naturally. That's why I've talked so much this year about building relationship, about surrender, and about faith being a part of our lives. I've been trying to grasp those concepts all year, trying to make them habits in my life. I'm not there yet. As I write this, I don't have a routine, I haven't read my bible today, and this is all about me and not the one I want to bring glory to. I talk about feeling stuck all the time but it's in my power to break out of that. No one runs a race by accident. I made a choice when I accepted God's salvation to love and pursue Him and the more time I dedicate to loving and pursuing Him, the less I want to go back. He's become so real to me, I could never doubt His existence if I wanted to, but there's more to calling myself a Christian than just believing in their God. 

   God is a creator. I see it in nature, in people, and in His word. We look at creation, at this beautiful world around us, and think that it's the finished product but it isn't. I've been talking about this a lot lately but this is not how the world is supposed to be. Our lives are a process, not a product. As Christians, we have a greater goal to strive for. In Hebrews, the author describes it as running a race, dropping every weight and every sin that clings to us. We're called to persevere and endure. Being born again means we have to grow up again and there's so much learning and growing that comes with that. We're going to make mistakes as much as we're going to succeed. I'm certainly still learning and I have a lot of growing to do but that isn't always a bad thing and that doesn't make where I am no unimportant. 

    Faith has to become a priority, it doesn't just happen. Maybe after everything, saying this makes me sound like a hypocrite but I've learned that it's true. Nothing comes from nothing. And it's hard, it really is but I truly believe that it's worth doing. Very little worth doing is actually easy. I know how easy it is to feel stuck but we're really not. Days pass, seasons change, and we will keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if we don't always realize it. It's easy to lose sight of how far we've come when we compare where we are to where we were and where we think we should be. There's more to life than comparison with things passed or an imagined future. I'm not where I was at the start of this year or as far along as I thought I would be but that doesn't mean that I've gone backwards. I'm growing and learning every day and this life isn't for nothing. Do I need to reestablish my priorities and develop better habits? Yes, but that doesn't mean that I'm failing now. We work on a foundation of grace. God has promised never to leave us and that doesn't always make it easier but it makes it worth it. I'm constantly amazed at the fact that the One who created the entire universe and everything in it was not just willing to die for my sin and shame but He wants a relationship with me. He's doing everything He can so He can be with me and I with Him. It's up to me to pursue that and I still want to, even though I don't entirely know what that looks like right now, but hey, that's what grace is for.

    If you're struggling with walking out your faith, don't worry. You aren't alone and struggle isn't always a bad thing. We wrestle with it because it matters and it is hard but there's so much grace and it's worth it. 

Yours Truly,

Rey