Real Life Stuff

     Good morning. Last week was busy and stressful. When I sat down to write, I couldn't put my thoughts together coherently. A lot more goes into planning a wedding than I realized and I was feeling quite overwhelmed. There are so many details that need to be worked out, that I want to get worked out, but that can't be tackled until other things are determined. My fiancé and I have been long distance for our relationship and I'm getting impatient. Being engaged is one step closer to actually, physically, being together and it would be really nice to finally get there. However, as this will only happen closer to the end of the year, I just need to relax and do what I can. My impatience won't make the world turn faster or the day (which we don't know yet) come sooner. God has been more than faithful and I don't expect Him to stop now. 

    I feel like I keep reaching stand-stills in my life. I get to a point where things seem to be working out and moving forward and then I get stuck again. Today feels like one of those days. This whole month has felt like that. January, I was riding the high of a new engagement, Passion 2022, and a new year. I was excited, I still am to an extent but not as much. I still want to be all in for my faith but I haven't made any changes in my life to move towards that. I'm not reading my bible everyday, not listening to worship music all the time, not praying as much as I should. I go back and forth about whether I should still be at my church or find somewhere new. I love the pastor and his preaching style but most of the sermons are motivational and I'm not in a place in my life where I need that. I want to talk about theology and doctrine. I want to read and understand the bible better, to live this life better. I want the songs we sing to be worship songs, not about what God has done for us, necessarily. A lot of "worship" music nowadays is centered around people, not God, and I'm struggling with that. I know my heart is in the right place but I feel so helpless when the music isn't. I'm not being challenged in my faith and I'm the kind of person that needs to be kicked in the butt. I'm still struggling with old habits and not creating new ones. Writing this has been hard because I'm not really learning anything. I feel like I have nothing new to say or nothing useful.

    I feel discontented in many areas of my life and it's so frustrating. I don't know how to do more than I'm doing now. With my faith, I always hoped that I would love God enough that I'd want to read my bible and pray every day. I'd want to listen to worship music all the time and talk about Him all the time. I didn't want to force that time into my day to day and so, I haven't. Needless to say, I have never made it there. I love the Lord but not that much apparently. I love my selfish use of time. I'm confronted by my sin but too comfortable and familiar with it to walk away. I know that nothing I ever do will be perfect but because I don't know how to make my walk of faith look like what I picture in my head, I don't even want to try. I do this in several areas of my life, it's definitely a problem, but my faith is what matters most and I wish I lived like it. 

    I know that all of this is up to me. I can set good habits and walk away from the bad ones. I could spend less time on my phone and more time in the bible. I could talk to God about my problems first, rather than going straight to my fiancé. And looking at them, written down, the solutions look so easy. They are easy, to an extent. What am I so afraid of? What do I have to lose?

     I want to believe that God is who He says He is, that He is holy. I want to trust Him explicitly. I want my heart to be right and to have my priorities straight. I don't want to get so caught up in the business and distractions of this world or the world I make for myself that I lose sight of the miracle of creation and salvation. How I keep my faith alive like that, I have no idea. I've been trying to figure that out since the beginning of the year. I don't think I could ever walk away from my faith but I know I have a a lot of learning to do so that I don't become complacent with it. At the very least, this frustration is a place to start. 

    Love you all loads. Thank you for taking the time to read this mess of a blog. I promise I am trying to get better every week.

Yours truly,

Rey