Surrender is a tricky subject.

     Last week was interesting and unexpected. I had plans that went away due to sickness and it was hard not to be disappointed. With that said, I still got to eat Vietnamese for my birthday, which was lovely, and we were busy despite sudden changes in plans. This year has had a lot of that. I feel like it's unspoken that most birthdays come with reflections and while I often ignore mine, it does make you think. I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be. I'm not making money off my writing or anywhere really, aside from babysitting gigs. Life feels very much the same for me, though I know a lot has changed.

    It's easy to get caught up on disappointments and the things that don't work out. We have objections with the things that happened and questions about what's still to come. We try to make plans and we dream, as we should, but it can be hard to know how these things will work out or if they're even supposed to. If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know I raise questions all the time. We look for God in all of it but more often than not, for me at least, He can seem really far away. His plan and purpose exist but the not knowing is frustrating. My prayers are filled with requests and complaints. I question His will and my placement and unleash all the doubts I try so hard to sort out on my own. Outside of church, it's honestly rare for me to pray for something other than me or something that involves me. I don't take the time to praise God for who He is. 

    It's easy to talk about putting God first but harder to do. In his letters, Paul has so much to say about surrender and even Jesus talked about laying our lives down. When we look at the long list of commands that these two men gave to the church, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Luke 9:57-62 talks about the men that approached Jesus, willing to follow him but with conditions of their own. One man had to bury his father and the other wanted to say goodbye to his family. Anyone reading this passage can see that these are valid tasks. If I were in their place, I feel like I'd want to do those things and get them done. On the other side of it though, we know so much about Jesus' life. Imagine what these men could have seen and the places they could've gone. Jesus did so much in his short time of ministry and they missed out because of task that in the grand scheme of things wouldn't really matter. How many of us would also miss out on that kind of chance because of all things we have on our to do lists? If we had just one day with Jesus, what would we have to give up to spend it with him? 

    I'll be the first to admit that I don't know how to put God first. There are so many distractions, some important and some not, that take my attention before God even has a chance. There will be days where I hardly acknowledge Him because there's so much on my mind. I struggle to understand what surrender looks like and how to achieve it. How do I give up the things that seem important? How do I know what is important and what isn't? It's hard to set aside time for someone who can seem distant, especially when there are things that you should be doing or would prefer to do. We think we're so important, and there is truth in that, but we're not more important than the one who created us. Jeremiah 1:5 says that God knew us before we were born and even then, He had a plan. Galatians 1:15-16 says something similar. We were loved before we were even created but we don't have time for that creator. This isn't a reprimand, just a reminder that we can and should do better. 

    I don't have it all figured out, I just know I need to do better myself. As humans, I don't know that our surrender will be complete. Accepting Jesus into your heart was just the beginning. We have to give our lives to Him over and over again, sometimes from moment to moment. There's so much to capture our attention and I'm grateful for the grace and patience given to me while I figure it out. Start small. Worship Him for who He is, not for what you want from Him. Thank Him for everything that has already worked out and for His continuing faithfulness. It the vastness of Him and what He asks, it's so easy to get overwhelmed but practically, it's simple. Anchor first. Start your day off in thanksgiving and praise. There's grace if you forget and when you don't set aside the time. I do believe that it's important to talk to God and to ask Him for the things you need but it's also important to just sit and breathe and thank Him for who He is. 

    This feels all over the place, and I feel like I say this every week now, but I hope it's okay. I might delete it later of I hate it. Thank you for reading.

Yours Truly

Rey.