Providence and Yearning

     It should come as no surprise to you that I am a reader. That's where my love and passion for words started, by reading. As a kid, I spent a lot of time hanging with my siblings. We would spend hours on the trampoline, playing video games, watching movies, riding our bikes and scooters around the cul-de-sac, and making up the most ridiculous stories for our toys. And as many hours as I spent with them, I can almost match with hours spent reading by myself. I would stay up late with my lamp and go through countless books in a week. Even when we were slightly displaced and all my beloved books were in a storage container, I had eBooks to find shelter in. Unfortunately, as I've gotten older, I haven't been as good a reader as I used to be. Some of that time went towards writing and editing my own stories but unfortunately, a lot of it went towards games on my phone and random YouTube videos. I don't even know how it happened, if it was all of a sudden or if something happened to draw me away from words but I stopped for a while. Then I had the questionably bright idea to take up classic novels and though I adore them, they don't allow me to read at the same pace I used to. Lately, I've been making the effort to read more. I got pretty good again towards the end of last year and I've been reading every day this year, though I know that isn't saying much considering we're not even two weeks in yet. 

    Between last year and this year, I reread the Journals of Corrie Bell Hollister by Michael Philips and Judith Pella. I read them years ago and remembered enjoying them, so I figured, "why not?" Some of the books I read in a day, which I haven't done in years, and it felt really good. If you get the opportunity, I highly recommend these books. The stories and characters are brilliant but I found that what I enjoyed the most was the spiritual aspect. Because the books span so much of Corrie's life, it covers her spiritual journey, from making the decision to invite Jesus into her heart to surrendering her heart to Him completely. I felt inspired and convicted. I related to her struggles and celebrated her victories. That's what you want in a good story but this meant more than just that. I've talked about surrender for years. I've wrestled with it and with myself because of it. I believe in God's love and providence but a lot of it is all in my head. I don't live in that space and I want to. To see someone, even if they are fictional, come to that point in their life brings such yearning to my heart. 

    The word providence means the foreseeing care and guidance of God over the creatures of the earth. It's what I talk about whenever I bring up call and purpose. I believe that God is not just all knowing but all loving. That means that whatever I feel and face means something. Romans 8:28 says, "we are confident that God is able to orchestrate everything to work towards something good and beautiful when we love him and accept His invitation to live according to His plan." When we make the decision to give God our heart, to give Him control, then He promises to look after us. As human beings, I don't know if we can ever get to the point of total surrender but I personally hope to be better. Now, I don't know that I want to be like Paul and not only go to jail but find joy in it. He wrote several letters from a cell and we read those as books of the Bible today. There's a great deal of fear when I start to wonder what God will ask me to do. Even if I never end up in prison, what fears will He call me to face? My ideal version of "surrender" looks subtle. It's paying for the person behind me in line, buying someone lunch, taking time to listen and be a friend. Isn't that what we all wish God would ask us to do? It would be so much easier than giving up old habits and facing fears. The other side of it is, as Christians, we should already be doing that; that's part of our call as the body of Christ. Even unbelievers can do that. Choosing God's will for your life, living like Jesus did, is much bigger than that. 

    Surrender means giving God everything in my heart. My fears and hopes, my dreams, my plans, everything. It means listening and obeying every time He speaks despite what we're feeling and where we are. It means letting Him guide your life instead of leaving Him to follow along behind. It's letting go of everything you hold onto and letting God fill those places instead. In our humanity, we tend to limit what God can do. How could anyone love me that much? How you can you forgive me completely, haven't you seen what I've done? When does it all run out? As Christians, we say that yes, of course God is omnibenevolent and omniscient but aside from the people of the early church, how many Christians live that out? This is not to point blame, God knows I'm not there yet but I pray that I get closer to that every day. I want to get to the point where my life is God's and God's alone, for Him to guide me wherever I go and to live out of a revelation of His love. I want to be the person talking about Him all the time and what He's done. I want to trust Him for His provision and His guidance. If He's not going before me, then I don't want to go. 

    God is so good! He will never force us to get to that point. Salvation is offered and payed for but it will never be forced upon you. It's the same with surrender. God will never take your heart from you. Paul was just as human as you and I and though we believe him to be strong and I'm sure he was, I'm sure there were times when he cried out. I'm sure he got angry and hurt and upset, especially at God. We still have a choice to listen, to follow, or not. I believe that God is pursuing us at every turn and every point in our lives but He cannot make you do something you don't want to do. You don't have to give Him everything at once, there's grace and growth in the time it takes. I know I'm not there yet, I may never be, but I want to be better. I want my life to belong to my Creator, the author and perfecter of my faith, the One who promises to work everything towards something good and beautiful. 

    I know I talked about surrender last week and I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record but it's something that's been heavy on my heart. I don't have the answers for how but I'm praying every day to be closer to that point, to put God first. Surrender comes in both the big and small decisions. I trust God's providence for my life and I pray the same for you. 

Yours Truly, 

Rey