Making the Most.

     Work has calmed down a bit, thank goodness, and I feel... calmer? Still stressed but less anxious? I don't know. It's easy for me to write my blog and then completely forget about it but I'm honestly feeling better about my future. I still have questions without answers and new frustrations come up all the time but I'm feeling more certain about some things and doing my best to anchor in God's promise. This week I entered my second writing competition and when I get my next paycheck, I'm going to sign up for a writing conference. It feels nice to invest in what I'm passionate about, though I really need to be prioritizing my savings. Finances are weird. It's easy to make a budget for myself but there's always something that comes up, specifically the gas prices. This is another part of being an adult that I wasn't prepared for. It's frustrating to need money for literally everything and I've been forced to rethink my priorities. Yay adulthood. 

    Last year, especially after graduating, I focused almost entirely on writing or working on my books and I loved it. I looked forward to it every day. I finished books that I loved and started ones that I fell in love with. And some days were better than others, there were definitely days when I could barely form a sentence, let alone a chapter, but there were days where I wrote literally thousands of words. I told stories that needed to be told and set aside the ones that needed to wait. For the first time in years, I was updating my blog every week and I actually felt proud of some of them. I was growing so much. But then I got around to thinking about the publishing process and suddenly all that passion went away. Suddenly, I doubted my ability as a writer, I doubted my stories, and my words were no longer good enough. My research on how to write a good query and pitch to agents left me feeling lost and overwhelmed so I started to avoid writing anything, save for this little blog, and I wish I knew why. Why does passion die so easily to fear? 

    Something I've always loved about people is when they talk about what they're passionate about. Even a quiet person gets excited when they talk about what they love and it's wonderful. When I watch sermons or listen to podcasts, I'm drawn to speakers who are passionate about who God is and what He's doing. Passion is magnetic. Even if someone is talking about something you have no interest in or even if it's something they're good at doing or explaining, their passion has the ability to draw you in. I'm becoming aware that I'm not that person. Writing is something that I've loved for years but sometimes I feel like I've given up on it. I use work as an excuse and say that writing one blog post a week is enough. A year ago, it was what I lived and breathed. Things change so quickly and it' so easy to find a reason not to do something when you're afraid. I am scared but I'm getting to the point where I'm more scared not to try. Life can be so long but, at the same time, tomorrow isn't promised. If I died today, there would be so few accomplishments to my name. Granted, there is so much more to life than what you do but I'm not sure I've lived my life to it's fullest yet. I really do take my time for granted. 

    I know I write about fear quite often but out of everything I face in my life, fear is the most common thing that I fight. I'm scared of people and time. I'm scared of dreams coming true as well as the idea that everything I've written will only amount to documents sitting in a folder. A big part of why I'm a Christian is the promise that my life has value, not just now but in the grand scheme of things. When I die and go to heaven, I don't want God to say look at what you could've done; look at how you could've lived. I want to live a life that He's proud of and one that I'm proud of too. I want to be passionate again. I want to pursue my dreams, even if they don't work out. I want to pursue Him and His plan. I want to try because I'm tired of feeling like I'm wasting what I've been given. I know there's more to life than this and I want to take advantage of opportunities and dreams and relationships because I'm tired of holding back out of fear. I'm tired of the limitations I put on God and on myself because I'm afraid, both of things that are real and things that are irrelevant. That takes so much more courage than it feels like I have. I know that it will be messy and imperfect but like I said, I believe that God can still make something that matters out of it. 

    I still have so many questions as to how and when, I think that I always will, and that's okay. God is still good and faithful no matter where I am. My dreams and passions aren't for nothing, they're worth holding on to. Growth is chosen, it doesn't just happen. It comes in knowing when to step and when not to. It comes in pursuing what's worthwhile, whether it's a passion or a dream or a person, even if it scares you. Miracles happen in spaces where you're most uncertain and where fear sounds louder than everything else. They happen when you let go of what you picture and let God actually answer the prayers and the questions. And I know this is in line with what I've been saying for the past couple of weeks, I'm sorry if it's getting old now, but I keep seeing it and hearing it. I want to live. I want to be passionate. Most importantly, I want to be available for God to use me and what He's given me. In Luke 1:38, Mary prays, "Here I am, the Lord's humble servant. As you have said, let it be done to me." Further on, in Luke 22:42, Jesus prays, "Yet not My will, but Your will, be done." I was talking about this a lot at the beginning of this year but it's something I still have to pray constantly. I don't want to waste the life and the passions God has given me. 

    Take courage. This always feels so hypocritical to say but it's something I have to challenge myself with. Don't give up on what you've been given; your dreams and passions aren't for nothing. Don't be afraid to try new things or even try something again. You don't have to do it all on your own. Please try, make mistakes, learn, grow. Make the most out of every day and forgive yourself when you don't. Live.

Yours Truly,

Rey