Hold onto Hope

     One of the things I'm particularly bad at is writing ideas or important thoughts down so I can go back to them later. I cannot tell you how many times I'll have a blog idea over the weekend, especially when watching my church's sermon, and then get to today and cannot for the life of me remember what that idea was. This is one of those occasions. And it's frustrating because it was a good idea and it was important. It's weird how small things like that can hold such value as well as how quickly we chide ourselves for something that, in the grand scheme of things, isn't actually a big deal. It's strange how something can be important and unimportant at the same time. 

    I am an overthinker. This isn't always a bad thing, curiosity can lead to new and wonderful things. As a writer, I think it makes space for extra detail, better plot and character development, deeper feeling and value. That's how this blog works. I write about the things I get hung up on and analyze, what I see and feel, the things that seem important. Obviously though, there's a flipside, as in almost everything. I have a lot of insecurities that shouldn't be as hard to deal with as they are. I'm marvelous at making things complicated and making something out of nothing. I get stuck in feeling and places that I really don't need to be in and I'm the only one to blame. This isn't anything new, I think everyone does it to an extent but I get myself into the worst places because of it. This blog has shown that side of it too.

    Often, I don't try for it because of what ifs. What will happen if I try? There are so many things that if I fail or succeed, it's equally terrifying. How much do we give up on because something as changing as emotions got in the way? What have we missed out on? It one of those things that I get so tired off but I don't really want to jump into everything without a second thought. I want to protect myself but walls keep things in as much as they keep things out. I know that's cliché but I've been feeling stuck lately. I don't know how to get away from where I am because I don't completely know where I'm going, let alone how to get there. 

    There's a lot that I don't know how to pray for. It's easy to ask God to give or take away. I think myself unworthy or something too big. I think that maybe He won't answer that prayer, so why pray it? Just because He can do all things doesn't mean He will. I start overthinking my worth, God's faithfulness, things that never change. God will always be faithful, always keep His promises, and as His handiwork, I will always have worth and it isn't dependent on what I do or don't do. It sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? How could anyone love that much, forgive that much, create and give so much? How could the mess that I make, the disaster that I am, be worth anything at all? I think even as Christians, we hold onto doubts because what if it is too good to be true? Scared to be wrong but scared to be right too. I've talked a lot about being afraid and I still am. I hope for something greater but don't commit to it and at this point I don't even know why. If God is everything that He says He is, that should be enough. I have made so many mistakes, I don't overthink for nothing, and just the fact that He would die for someone like me should be enough, forget everything else. I can't imagine laying my life down for anything, even love. And I'm so undeserving too but He did it anyway. The least I could do is give Him the opportunity to show that love. 

    Hebrews 6:18-19 says this: "So God has given us two unchangeable things: His promise and His oath. These prove that it is impossible for God to lie. As a result, we who come to God for refuge might be encouraged to seize that hope that is set before us. That Hope is real and true, an anchor to steady our restless souls, a hope that leads us back behind the curtain to where God is." No matter what state of mind we find ourselves in, where our lives are, God doesn't lie. When my thoughts run away with themselves and I hate my appearance or personality, God promises that I am an image bearer, chosen and appointed. When I feel overwhelmed by the present or the future, God promises that it will all work out. When I start overthinking, that's what I have to hold onto. 

    So hold onto this hope. Don't let yourself get stuck in places you don't need to be if you can help it. You are never alone, I promise, and you're worth so much more than you realize. Even I cannot fathom just how much God loves us but I know it's more than anything this world has to offer. You don't have to live in your insecurities or lonely places. I know that it's easier said than done, to live like that, but that's what grace is for. 

Yours Truly,

Rey