Growth and Hope

     Happy March! Winter is very much coming to an end, which makes me sad but I'm excited about all the flowers in our garden. Our Daffodils and Snowdrops and blooming and our Hyacinths and Tulips are coming up. I need to order seeds to expand the variety in my flower garden but I have lots of car things to take care of before I can spend money on flowers. Being an adult is exciting. And expensive. There's still a great deal of wedding planning to do but my fiancé and I reached out to a venue today so it's a step forward. Tomorrow, I have an appointment at a bridal shop to try on dresses and hopefully figure out what it is that I want. I'm exceedingly excited about it, it's not every day you get to try on gowns with lace and silk. I must sound like such a girl but I really can't wait to be a bride. I know that being a wife is the most important part and I can't wait for that either but I'm excited to get dressed up and have that celebration. I'm excited for the lights and flowers, excited to exchange my vows, and to be with the man that I love. We've been dating for a long time and long distance for all of it. There's a lot to do until our wedding day but we're that much closer to being together and starting a new chapter. I couldn't be more grateful for God's faithfulness and providence throughout all of it. There always been peace in our decisions from asking me out to asking me to marry him. I know God is with us in this too.

    This year has sucked, to say the least. It started on such a high note with the Passion Conference. I was so excited to grow in my faith and in who I am. I felt ready to work towards my dreams, I had a wedding to plan, and there seemed to be so much potential. Since then, it feels like life has been a series of unfortunate events. I lost a job because I was uncomfortable about a mandate, my family has been in a whirlwind of hurt and drama that I don't know how to process, and I'm coming to the conclusion that my time is running out at my current church. I want to be optimistic, and I think I am about some things, but there's a lot I just want to hide from. I've talked about joy and gratitude a lot on here and I still believe in those things. It's just been a while since it was hard to live them out.

    I'm currently a part of Elevation church. If you haven't heard about Elevation, it's a mega church led by Pastor Steven Furtick with 18 campuses, thousands of people in attendance physically, and an enormous online ministry. I started going last year but had spent a lot of time watching Pastor Steven's sermons the previous year. Elevation was the first church I went to without my parents and I've been happy here. I needed it and I'm grateful for the independence. I love my homegroup and everyone I work with in the kid's ministry has been so kind and passionate about what they do. Elevation is a generous church. They're actively involved in charities all over the world and in the local areas. They're doing what the church should be doing. They're not perfect by any means and I have had struggles but for the most part, I've been grateful to be a part of something so big. I'm going to blame my homegroup for the place I'm in now, which isn't a bad place, but I feel like I need to move onto whatever is next. We've talked so much about the foundations of what we believe, had debates on doctrine, and spent time in community. I've learned so much there and I'm grateful for it. Pastor Steven's sermons are not theologically deep, rather, they are motivational. Even with all the unfortunate circumstances in my life, that's not what I need in church. As a church, the focus is on evangelism and sharing the gospel. It's a church for new believers. With how much I've grown, I don't see a place for me there anymore. I don't grow on a Sunday. It really was perfect for me when I started but I've outgrown this space and I'm ready to move to the next thing.

    Unfortunately, this means starting all over again. I'm shy and awkward and introverted. The only reason I had friends during high school was because my sister is the opposite of me and hanging out with her meant that her friends were mine or at the very least, I was not alone. I always thought that I would grow out of being shy and that my anxiety would go away. I feel like I never meet shy adults, though I've learned how to live with it so that I don't appear as shy and perhaps others are the same. It takes a great deal of time for me to be comfortable with people and feel like I can talk to them. This isn't entirely a bad thing, I'm sure, and as an introvert, I think I will always prefer a small, close knit group of people. I still have so much to learn about relationships, about how to start them to be the best I can be in them, how to deepen them. I still have so much growing up to do and so much to learn.

 With all that's happened this year, I've realized how important people are. You need people to celebrate with, to cry with, to grow with. I'm grateful for the people I have like that in my life and I'm sorry that it feels like I might leave some behind. If I could go back in time, I'd tell my younger self to enjoy her life more instead of wishing to be so grown up. Granted, I don't know that I would have listened but I wish life was still that simple. I have taxes to do, bills to pay, car troubles to solve, and forgiveness to bestow. Life seems to be full of hard decisions and I'm relieved that I'm not completely alone in them. People are always worth having in your life, though sometimes they make it harder too.

    With every day that passes, I just want to be more like Christ. I want to love more, to be kinder and softer, to forgive. It's hard because at the same time, it's so much easier to be bitter and avoid confrontation. I know I've been stuck on this train of thought for a while and I'm sorry things have been so dismal. I promise I am still trying to hope and be optimistic. Thankfully I believe in a God of grace and mercy who doesn't necessarily care how long it takes me to figure this out. He's after my heart and I think it's in the right place, at least some of the time. Life is about putting one foot in front of the other and having faith that it'll all work out for good. I have to have hope. I hope that I'll find the right place to be, somewhere I do grow in my faith and knowledge of God. I hope that I can maintain the friendships I've developed over the last year and that it isn't too hard for me to make new ones. I hope that the rest of the year is better than the last couple months have been. I hope to keep growing and loving, I hope to be kinder.

    I'm sorry the last couple of posts have been somewhat miserable and almost entirely self centered. I promise I'm quite alright, in spite of the hardships, and I know that things will work out in the end. I just have to listen to all the advice I've put on the page about joy and gratitude and love. I'm finally reading Holier Than Thou by Jackie Hill Perry, so hopefully I'll be back on track next week with whatever insights I have in my growth and learning. God is good and faithful and I will be okay.

    Until next time,

Yours truly,

Rey