Help Me to Believe

      For those of you who don't experience daylight savings, I envy you. Today has been rough. I'm tired and I did not enjoy getting up in the dark this morning to go to work. I'm not an outside person but there's just something about the sun that makes the day better, easier to tackle, and it's up now but I was really missing it this morning. It's funny, because I like night time and rainy days but I need the sun. Come summer, I may not feel this sentiment as strongly. For now though, I'm grateful for the time I get to spend outside, throwing toys for my dog. As long as the weather holds, I'll be glad for it. I am looking forward to summer a little bit though. I'm excited for my mum's tomatoes, all our berry bushes to produce their fruit, and the flowers in our garden to grow. This is my last year at home and a long chapter of my life closes. My fiancé and I aren't planning on moving far but I'll be without my family for the first time. Everything will be different and I want to cherish everything before it's gone. Of course, it's easier said than done but I want to be more optimistic about the future and the present. 

    As promised, I'm here with "Holier than Thou" beside me. I haven't finished it yet but I'm excited to keep reading. Jackie Hill Perry writes so beautifully and you can tell that she's passionate about the subject. I already relate to it in some ways. In the introduction, she talks about how people aren't trustworthy. I have felt this deeply throughout my life. I have few friends that have been lifelong and as I was saying last week, I find it difficult to fit in and be in relationships. We're born into a world that's broken, sometimes it seems like it's damaged beyond repair. There's war in Europe and the pandemic still  hasn't ended. Government is disastrous and corrupt wherever you go. People get their hearts broken and break someone else's. Sin is everywhere and it's terrifying. The worst part is, this isn't even how we were created. In Genesis 1, it says that we were created in the image of God. God, who is holy and perfect, who is bigger than we could ever know, who is unconditional. That's how we were made to be. We were perfect and holy and unfortunately, Adam and Eve made a decision that we have no choice but to live with. We have to live with the brokenness and imperfections. We're responsible for the inheritance of unholiness. And because we know that we're sinners and untrustworthy, it's hard to trust others. I have the hardest time getting close to people and being vulnerable. I don't know that there's anyone that I trust completely and it's such a sad way to live but, let's be honest, it's not unrealistic. It's easier to be selfish than to be selfless. This is life. This is our day to day. We have to do our best to love and to be kind because that was our original design. 

    The problem arises when we start seeing God that way. It's easy to say that God is good but harder to believe that it's limitless. It's easy to say that He loves us beyond compare but harder to live like that. We tend to look at Him as if He was made in our image, not the other way around. We expect Him to be like us instead of striving to be like Him. Our faith seems so small, limited to our human experience instead of what we know about God and what His word says. The foundation of sin is unbelief. It's in our nature, yes, but that doesn't mean it's always unconscious. When you accept Jesus into your life, it's often because you realize the depth of your need for Him, the depth of our depravity as human beings and the reality of death and damnation. To an extent, I think we still expect that. We expect God's love to run out and for all our time and devotion to be wasted. We live like God is a liar who won't love us, who isn't good, who won't provide. We live like He's going to break His promises and so we listen to temptation and look for ways to meet whatever need we have.

    If we don't acknowledge and address this, we will never change. Either God is who He says He is or He isn't. What do you want to believe? How do you want to live? I, for one, could to without the sin. I believe that Jesus paid for it when He died on the cross and that it gave me, and all Christians, the opportunity to live differently, to be driven by holiness rather than sin. We have to believe that Jesus has life in Him, to live out the decision we made. If we don't, why did we make the decision in the first place?  God has to be who He says He is, otherwise there's no point in following after Him, dedicating your life to Him. That means there has to be reformation in our lives. We have to live differently, to have faith instead of just saying we do. 

    God is Holy. He can't sin and that means He can't sin against us. His holiness is the foundation of His character and nature. He is who He is because He's holy and that makes Him worth believing in and even dying for. He's beautiful in all of His ways and works. The angels in Revelation don't sing it for nothing and we're invited to join in that. We're asked to believe it and to live it. Faith is hard to hold onto. Life happens. Circumstances arise that you never saw coming. God doesn't always feel good according to our definition of the word and we don't always feel loved. God is not a human being. He's the same, whether our lives are going well or not. He doesn't need our worship but He's the only one worthy of it. This is how I want to live and who I want to love. My sins have been forgiven, I don't have to keep living in them. Granted, it's significantly easier said than done but I hope to get to the point where I believe in my Creator with all my heart and my faith is greater than any temptation. 

    "I believe, Lord. Help me to believe!" Mark 9:24

Yours truly,

Rey