I wish I knew what was going on but here we are again.

    So much has happened in the past two weeks, I'm not sure where to start. I finished my dress and I'm immensely pleased with it and mostly just proud of myself. That was a rough week, the whole thing was far more stressful than necessary, but it's over and done with now and I'm kind of excited to do it again at some point. I did manage to burn myself on the iron though, so, maybe it's best to leave it for a little while. My graduation ceremony was both coming up and then cancelled. My siblings and I had a makeshift prom in someone's living room and I'm so glad that I never have to do that again. I did my best to enjoy myself but the sheer exhaustion the next day was not worth it. Still, it was nice to have a party of sorts after having my graduation go wrong all over again. My sister and I have been waiting a very long time now to get our drivers licenses and when our governor signed the bill allowing people to get it without the in car test, we were excited, though frustrated but that's the DMV for you. My appointment was today and it turns out, the bill only allows minors to get their license which is ridiculous but, that's just me. I also murdered a squirrel today, on top of everything. There have been so many ups and downs and I'm not entirely sure where to go from here.

    On the bright side, I have a new song that I've fallen in love with and spent my evenings laughing and smiling and being at least a little obnoxious with one of my best friends. I got a lot of editing done last week, wrote a blog post that I didn't publish, and I've been reading a book that I don't know that plot of, even though I only have ten chapters left (why do I like classic literature again? God only knows.). I'm further convinced that my dog is the best dog in the world and I adore her with everything in me. Children are loud and crazy but wonderful and babies are absolutely darling, I'm so grateful for all the days I get to babysit. The flowers in our garden have buds on them now, our blueberries have officially turned blue, and I've been outside a lot because of it. Sunshine is supposed to be good for you but summer is hot and though I've gotten used to it, I don't like it, but it's nice not to be inside all the time. 

    I don't quite know what to do with myself. It feels like every time I find myself, something happens and I feel unbelievably drained. I wish that I could nap but the last time I tried, I failed quite dismally and ended up reading a book instead. My emotions have been exhausting and I'm not sure what to do. I've been saying that a lot today but it's very true. Normally I'm pretty apathetic or at least emotionally stable but this month has been ridiculous. I had myself a very good cry but I've laughed more than I have in a very long time. People have surprised me and not in a bad way, I've been very blessed. I don't know. I'm still so scared though. As much as I want to write, I still haven't summoned the courage to apply for jobs because I was hurt so badly the first time. I'm in such a good place but I still want change. I want to go after the things that I want, to be a good friend and sister and daughter, I just don't know how to be brave enough to let go and breathe. I want God to have room to move and speak and maybe He does, I'm just getting frustrated with everything. Every time I think I'm doing well or that I can actually accomplish something, I end up staying in the same place I've been and it's getting easy for me to feel stuck here. 

    I know I should be doing more. Learning how to take initiative is important but I'm scared of making the wrong decision and I'm scared of the change that will come. I've come to the realization that I don't really know what it is that I want. My friend and I had a conversation about how God consciously gives you the choice because you making it is important. One choice isn't always better than the other, it's just something we have to do on our own and it's hard. For a long time, I hated myself and I didn't think I was worthy of anything. Dreams were small things that kept me going but I never made plans because it seemed like every time I did, they wouldn't happen so it was safer to just keep them small. Now, I don't know what plans I actually can make. I'm getting tired of waiting though and I don't know if I'm doing anything right or wrong and it's stressful. I want to make a decision but I want it to be right more than anything else. I want it to be God's plan and not my own. 

    Things will be okay, at least, they will be eventually. I know that my God is able to work everything out. There's just a lot to think about and feel and deal with, it gets to be a lot inside my head. I can happily say that, though I have had my share of bad days, I've felt more peace and joy of late than I have in probably years and as frustrated as I get, I know it will turn out exactly as God intended. Again, I know I've been saying that a lot lately but I think that it's needed and not just for me. Life is insane, especially right now, and we all need something good to fall back on. God is still there and still speaking, even if it's to everything I want Him to. He does that a lot but, I trust Him. 

    As always, thank you.

Yours truly,

Rey