Falling back

    So, after the slight disaster that the last post was, I've been feeling the need to go into that subject a little more. Things make so much sense in my head but then when I write it out or talk about it, things never go according to plan and it's just a mess so hopefully I say things better this time. 

    Psalm 37:4 talks about how God gives us the desires of our heart. My parents have always said to go look at the context of a verse because the meaning changes when something is by itself versus when it's in relation to something. The whole chapter is about putting your trust in God and letting Him direct your path. As often as I feel that God is silent, He always manages to put things in my life like scriptures or songs to remind me that He is there and He does listen. After everything I've been rambling about over the past couple of months, it was really good to read it. Not to mention King David is very eloquent and his ramblings tend to make more sense than mine do. 

    What are the desires of your heart? Are they solely yours or does God give you your dreams and desires? I think the answer is both. The whole chapter is about giving God space to move in your life and then His provision will come. God sees your heart, He knows your deepest fears and loves and He's faithful. He gives us our dreams and desires. Maybe I say that a lot too but, it's good to know that there's someone else cheering me on and that I don't have to do this alone. 

    It's strange to think about, being so known. I've often struggled with insecurities and doubted my worth. I'm so aware of the mess that I am and I've wondered how anyone could love me. I'm awkward and quiet and mean. I'm so aware of the mistakes I've made, the big ones as well as the ones that don't really matter. I overthink everything. And I know I've gone over this before but some days my faults seem so prevalent and I'm not sure how to process it in a way that isn't detrimental to my mental health. If I'm good at anything, it's making things more complicated than they need to be. It's easy to forget my worth and that I can be kind and strong. I make my good qualities small and I wish I knew why. Healing takes time. That's okay and normal and yes, of course I wish it would go faster, but I understand that it doesn't always work that way. God's plan is bigger than anything I could come up with and it will be okay. I have loved and been loved. There are people who hold my heart and aren't afraid to get to know me, despite everything that I see. There is grace for the mistakes that I make and the bad days when it feels like nothing can work out.

    I'm unsure of a lot. There are still so many questions I have about my future and myself. I still don't quite know how to surrender to God's will and I'm still learning how to listen to what He's saying. And I suppose that's the beauty of it. There is so much opportunity to bloom and grow and learn. God never breaks His promises. His grace is sufficient for the learning curves and I don't have to figure this out on my own. 

    Things take time and as often as it feels hopeless, there is a point to all of it. Growing up has been harder than I expected or anyone told me about. It's easy for me to get caught up in the weight and gravity of it all and dwell on the all too familiar fears that have been keeping me company for far too long. In my church, we talk a lot about falling back on what you know when everything around you makes little to no sense. I know that God has made promises never to leave me alone and to be alongside me wherever I wander. He loves me, even knowing all of me He loves me. He has been intentional with His words and with the people He's placed in my life. Most importantly, my dreams are God-given and therefore, they are important and one day I know that it will all work out as it's supposed to.

Yours Truly,

Rey