This is me putting one foot in front of the other

    Sometimes it feels like I've put the weight of the world on my shoulders and I feel so much that it aches but I never know how to write about it. Everything in me wants to pour out as nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs but all I can do is feel. Words aren't enough and as well as I know the English language, I don't know it well enough to use it to express what's going on inside me. I don't know how to communicate in a way that matters. And it's so easy for me to get caught up in it all, to get stuck in my head and then I don't know how to express it. I don't know how to ask for help or how to let someone know that I truly love them. I get so trapped within myself and I don't know how to get out.

    I want to live and create, I want to find peace and joy, but I get so stuck inside my own head and I can't seem to make space for me to be happy. It's not that I don't want to be happy, I just spend far too long thinking and wondering and feeling. I expect so much of myself though, I have all these plans without the knowledge or means to fulfill it. And I know, I know, I've talked about this all before but here I am again. I don't just struggle with this in the big things, it's in the small things too. It's in weekend plans that don't go according to plan and days when I'm okay one moment and breaking down the next. It feels like nothing I do will be enough.

    I've read all sorts of things about how your best changes. Some days you can give one hundred percent, other days you can only give forty percent or twenty or seventy and it's okay. Though it is somewhat reassuring, it's hard for me to accept. In Taekwondo, my instructor has always told us that when we reach what feels like the end of ourselves, there's always more that we can give. You can always push harder and go further. I don't what my best is and yes, I think there is validity in my first point, giving your all and doing your best isn't going to look the same every day but I'm still burdened by the feeling that there's always more that I can do or could have done. Then I fall into a downward spiral of overthinking and feeling more than I thought I could. I think I've said it before but I have the tendency to wallow. My first instinct is to curl inside myself and try to figure things out on my own. I want to give my heart in everything. I want what I do and who I am to matter and I never want to be lazy or halfhearted in my words or my actions. I want to be intentional but in all my thinking and feeling, I get so lost within myself and caught up in me that I lose sight of others. 

    I want what I do to matter, for me to be enough, but I'm becoming increasingly aware of how apt I am to hold onto things that I really shouldn't be holding onto. Plans, dreams, emotions, all of it. As many worship songs as I listen to about letting go, about giving God space to move, I keep finding that listening to those songs and even singing them isn't the same as actually doing it. I put stress down only to pick it up all over again. I ask God to make a way then lose hope when things take time. And with all my uncertainty about myself and what I actually want to do with my life, my inefficiencies become bigger and louder than everything else. I want things to work out but I don't know what steps I need to take to fulfill what it is that I'm supposed to do. At every step, there's that fear of not being enough. I'm not a good enough writer, friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, Christian, not a good enough person. Things will be okay for a while, granted, and there are moments when I have such peace about the future as well as my present circumstances. But then something will go wrong and it doesn't even have to be big for me to spiral all over again. My insecurities start to eat me alive again and I don't know how to break this cycle because nothing is really wrong. Yes, the times are strange but otherwise I'm okay, I'm in a good and safe place, and I know that I am loved. God has made promises that He's more than able to fulfill but I have a bad day and it feels like all my faith vanishes. It feels like I do my best and try and find moments of courage only for me to stumble repeatedly. I know that that's life and that's normal and that's how you learn but I'm getting pretty tired of it.

    For all my moments, I know that God remains. I say it all the time on here, so, it wouldn't be good if I didn't believe it. I know He fills the gaps and inadequacies and that He never breaks His promises. He knows me better than I know myself and I can never surprise Him. He knows about all the things I overthink and stress over and He loves me for it. He loves me for all that I am, though I could never deserve it. I will say, it's nice to have someone understand you so completely. I often doubt that these ramblings I call blogging actually make sense, especially because I rarely have a plan going in. Everything in me wants to write and tell stories and words just want to come out sometimes. Granted, it doesn't always happen eloquently or at the best of times. More often than not, it feels like I have to be overwhelmed before I can sit down and actually have something to say. But God knows all of it. I don't have to explain anything to Him and it doesn't have to be eloquent. My nonsensical thoughts are clear and my feelings are known. 

    Letting go is still something I wrestle with and as a human, probably something that will always be hard. As hard as I try, as often as I do my best, there will always be moments when I fall short. That's life and yes, it's hard, but it's not the end of the world. There will always be strength for you to get back up again. You are loved, no questions asked. Surrender is a conscious decision we have to make again and again. I don't have to be enough, I just have to be willing to give Him space to move so that I can live and create. He's the source of peace and joy. It's hard and when I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything going on inside of me, I forget it, but that doesn't make it unimportant. God's been a father for a long time and you can find rest in Him. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. My friend today told me that you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will work out as they were intended to. 

    Thank you for reading. I started this yesterday so there's a lot of mixed feelings written down as I've had a lot going on in my head. I hope this was okay and that I could be of some encouragement. I know that it really is just me rambling again but I pray that God brings something out of it. It's in His hands much more than mine.

Yours truly,

Rey.