A lot of feelings
For some reason, I'm always surprised when I have a crazy week. You think I'd be used to it at this point as they seem to be reoccurring nowadays but when I sit down to write and think about what's happened, I just shake my head at it all. Everything feels like a blur. My emotions were once again all over the place and I had good days and bad ones and so many moments in between. Personally, I don't think I was a particularly great person to be around last week but there's nothing I can do but try harder this week. Another thing that's reoccurring.
My emotions are very good at getting the best of me. I get stuck in my head and the next thing I know, thinking through something has turned into overthinking. As usual, I start to doubt everything I thought I knew and then my emotions swell and I'm helpless. That's the best word I can use to describe how I've been feeling. Things have been changing and most of it has been for good. Of course, my pessimistic self hasn't helped anything and I immediately gravitate to stress and over-complicating everything. I'm a firstborn, I'm wired to want a plan and when there isn't one, I try to make one up and then, obviously, it doesn't really work out because that's not how life works. That's not how God works.
Needless to say, I'm beginning to question my plans. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life but I'm starting to doubt myself once again. I'll log onto social media and see that some of the people I'm following are packed up and ready to go to college. My sister and friend are preparing to enter a new semester of dual-enrollment. Meanwhile, I just sit at home and yes, I'm writing, I've looked and applied to freelance jobs, I'm preparing to enter a few competitions, but I feel like I'm not doing enough. I should be writing more and applying to more and looking at training and maybe college would be a good idea after all but it still doesn't help me figure out what I want to do with my life. In all my soul searching and praying, I've started to suspect that the freelance writing dream was just the only way I could think of to make money as a writer. Truthfully, I have no idea how to even start. There's a great deal of content writing that I can't do because I have no experience with their topics and then there are the jobs that want you to have a bachelors degree and five years of experience. No one hires me because I have no references but I don't know how to get any when no one will hire me. Anyways, the point is I don't know if I'm rethinking this because it's hard or because my wondering is God telling me that it was my plan and not His. When I pray, all He tells me to do is write, keep writing, trust me, and I'd like to think that I'm doing my best but I don't know if I am.
I expected to be much further along at this point in my life. In my head, I had my license, a decent part time job, and writing gigs. I had enough money saved up to go live and work in Europe for a few months and then I would come home and find my own place to be. I would be happy and write all the time. I expected at least some of God's promises to be fulfilled but I'm still here wondering. That's a big part of why I felt so overwhelmed this week. Something came up that got me thinking and suddenly I felt trapped, small, and claustrophobic. I felt helpless. I've mostly settled now but a part of me still feels that way. Maybe there is more that I could be doing but I don't know what that is. God has been faithful to remind me of His steadfastness and to renew my peace but I still have so many questions that He hasn't answered. I still feel directionless.
The easiest thing for me to doubt is myself and I do it constantly. My thoughts and emotions get in the way and the next thing I know, I'm back in a place I thought I had left behind. I know that it takes intentionality and time but it always disappointed to discover that I haven't actually learned how to let go. Every day, though sometimes more often than that, I have to make the decision to surrender. It's frustrating and I can only imagine how God feels. It's a good thing He is who He is because otherwise He probably would've given up on me. Waiting and listening is hard and even when I take time to do it, I don't know if I'm doing it right.
I feel overwhelmed. And don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. God has been continually faithful to give me strength, peace, and people to support me. I love writing and if that's what He wants me to do, then I'm happy to do it. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God says, "My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness." I'm still learning and I know I still have so much growing to do. As a writer, as a person, as a christian, there's a great deal that I'm still figuring out but God has made promises. He's not finished with me yet and He will continue to be there in the gaps and the valleys. His grace not only covers my sins but also the days and moments when I fall short.
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