Let's talk about worth and insecurities

    It feels like a great deal of time has passed between this post and the last one, though I know it's only been a week. We've entered a new month, which is exciting but also a little terrifying. We're eight months into a year that has gone on for far too long and I'm very relieved that there are only four months left. Granted, change isn't guaranteed and we're so deep into this that I don't know that we can go back but it's a little bit of hope to hold onto. At any rate, summer has already gone on for too long and I'm ready for things to cool down so I can wear all my sweaters and the leaves can change colours. 

    I don't know how much change there's actually been but I feel like I've done a great deal of growing up in the last couple of weeks. I've been applying to jobs and looking into writing competitions, trying to figure out what I want and what I need to do to accomplish it. I'm in a new relationship and we've been slowly but surely working that out and it's been wonderful. God has been pursuing my heart and I hope that I'm doing what He's asking me to do. That part hasn't been easy but we're getting there. I'm always grateful for His grace and generosity because I have no idea where I would be without it. I still find myself striving on my own, which isn't very effective, and I'm still learning how to let go. 

    Yesterday, I spent some time thinking and my head has been spinning all morning. I've been thinking about worth and value. This is something I've spent a great deal of time wrestling with. I know that's a human tendency and it's okay to have insecurities but there was a time in my life where all I did was wallow there. I let my insecurities grow and it's taken me a while to get where I am now and though I'm okay and I'm in a good place, there's still healing to be done. God is faithful to finish what He started in me. The trick is letting go and giving Him the space to do what He needs to do. I know I talk about this last week so I won't go too much into detail about it but I hope it's okay to share a little bit of what I've learned.

    The first thing is this: your worth does not come from others. It's easy to lean on other people and yes, there is value in being in relationship with others but we do have to be careful. People weren't designed to be put on pedestals. We all make mistakes and fall short, no one is perfect and we all have our own battles to fight. If there are gaps in yourself and your life, only God can fill them. Emotionally, this one is a little harder to believe because people make us happy and they can say and do things that make us feel loved. And that's not a bad thing! I believe with my whole heart that we weren't created to be alone; God created Eve so that Adam could have a companion. In the same way, God brings people into our lives to love us and support us and challenge us and it's a good thing. We just have to be careful not to let our identity and value be found in them. I see it all the time in romantic relationships, people will say that their boyfriend or girlfriend is their other half but it's not true. You are not half a person and only God can complete you. I know how easy it is to make yourself small and denote your own value and it's so dangerous. By putting our value in others, we take it away from ourselves.

    This brings me to my second point. Learning how to love yourself is not selfish. I've struggled with this because it's very easy to feel self-centered when you start thinking about taking care of yourself and learning how to make space for your well being. Of course there are lines and it can get to the point where it does become selfish. Another thing that I've had to think about a lot as far as this is concerned is what God has to say about it. We see so much in the Bible about surrender, dying to yourself, and being in the world and not of it. How do you surrender yourself and love yourself at the same time? Doing so feels vain and conceited, at least it has to me. I would very happily surrender myself and my thoughts if I knew better how to do so. Still, there is value in learning how to look after yourself. God is more than capable of performing miracle and filling gaps but we still have a choice. We choose whether or not to get out of bed in the morning and how we do so. I think that there is value in taking care of yourself because it's hard to be a light to the world when you're wallowing in darkness. Unless you walk through something, you can't really be there for someone else when it's their turn. I don't know. This one is hard to explain but I still think it's important. 

    Lastly, I just want to say that you are loved and enough as you are. In Genesis one, it says that when God looked over His creation, He saw that it was beautiful and good. Our imperfections don't take that away. Even before He created everything, God saw you and knew what you would do and who you would become and He loved you. There has never been a moment when you've been alone. God has always been faithful to meet me in my weaknesses and insecurities. As many times as I've messed up, He's forgiven me and more than that, He's remained steadfast. There are purposes and promises on your life but that's not why you're important. God says that you already are enough. Your life is not defined by who you will become but by what you already are. Your worth comes from the one who created the universe and He calls you good and beautiful.

    No matter how utterly ridiculous things may seem, no matter how lost you feel, God is faithful. He will finish what He started without fail. He will give you the strength you need to do what He's called you to do. Make God a priority in your life, above everything else, and watch everything fall into place. Watch how far He can take you. You are not too little or and your gifts are not too small. I know I keep saying this but I know that I need the reminder; God never breaks His promises. Never. There's nothing you could do to outrun His love or His grace and you can never fall to far. He remains through all the change and chaos as well as in the calm. You are capable of doing what you've been created to do, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

    I hope this could be an encouragement to you. I feel like there is so much more I could have done to say this better but it's in God's hands now and I pray that I've done what He's asked me to do. 

Yours Truly;

Rey