Kind of a mess but here it is.

     It is still hot and humid and I am vastly disappointed but our mornings have been cooler, so I suppose there is hope. I'm ready to be cold. I'm ready for this year to be over. It was easier at the beginning of all of this to put on a positive attitude because we all thought it would be over sooner than it actually was. Here we are, months later, and we're still pretty stuck. We've spent half a year in lock down and though it hasn't been all bad, I'm really fed up with it all. 

    There have been a lot of emotions tied up in all of it. I've fallen in love, cried in despair, doubted, rejoiced, celebrated, wallowed, I've been through it all. In January, I was lost and overwhelmed with the pressure to figure my life out because I was going to graduate and I needed a plan. I was supposed to get my drivers license in March and then the plan was to get a job somewhere. Needless to say, none of that worked out. I'm still figuring out what to do with my life but God has been faithful, despite all my wavering. I know that I complain a lot about feeling directionless and about having doubts. Those still exist, God still has a lot of work to complete in me, but I'm doing my best to pursue a relationship with Him.

    Life can feel so big sometimes. There's a great deal of hope in the infinite possibilities but there's also a great deal of apprehension. What if I miss it? What if I get it wrong? What if nothing changes or what if it changes more than I expected it to? There are so many questions that I find myself asking and in that, it's very easy for me to lose track of what I should be focusing on instead. It's a little ironic that someone who is as quiet as I am can't be still and just listen sometimes. My thoughts get loud and prevalent and that's the end of it. I find myself apologizing to God all the time because I don't always do everything I can to be close to Him and to listen to Him. Life is hard and busy and complicated and as humans, things always get in the way. 

    If I've learned anything at all over the past couple months, it's that I need God in my life. He's been there to give me peace and reassurance, even when I ask the same questions over and over and deal with the same doubts. He remained when I felt like less than myself and when I was upset and alone. I genuinely have no idea what the future holds. There's a great deal I'm excited for and a lot for me to learn and figure out. I'm grateful not to be alone in all of it. And I know that I'm just saying what I've said before but I know how often I need to be reminded of God's faithfulness. I'm easily overwhelmed by emotions and circumstances and this year has provided plenty of those for me to wrestle with. In all that time, I have never been left alone and I have never been unloved. I'm always amazed by God's capacity to love. As a human, I can't begin to even fathom infinite grace and forgiveness, let alone love, and He gives it anyways and I can't begin to describe how absolutely incredible that is.

    You are loved and you are not alone. Even typing all of this, it feels weird and stereotypical. Those words can very easily become overused and therefore, meaningless. Everyone says that because it's easy to say but that doesn't make it any less true. God doesn't have to be complicated. He's there in the small and the simple as much as He's in the grand things. We see that in 1 Kings with Elijah. God was not in the winds or the earthquake or the fire. He was in the small breeze, with a gentle and quiet voice. He's able to meet you where you are and as you need Him to be, of that makes sense. He's never going to give you more than you can handle and He's never going to abandon you. Wherever you are, I pray that God is there with you. He's far better at assuring you than I could ever be and that's completely okay. I hope that I could offer a little encouragement none-the-less. 

Yours Truly;

Rey