Let it be done

     I'm getting to this late because I honestly forgot it was Tuesday. It's just been one of those days. I've lost the ability to determine days again and I'm at least a little concerned. The end of the year always comes quickly though and this year is no exception. Today marks ten days from Christmas and I'm still not ready. It's strange how quickly one goes from being excited and hopeful to being hesitant and unprepared. This year has by no means been a waste. I never could've imagined what I've done now and accomplished but there still that nagging part of me that says I didn't do enough, there's still more I could've done. I could've written more, worked harder, gotten around to the things I said I would do. Basically, it's just like every other year which is a little surprising considering the chaos but I suppose it's good to know that some things don't change.

    A scripture that has been coming up relatively often for me this year has been Psalm 37:4: "Take great joy in the Eternal! His gifts are coming, and they are all your heart desires!" I've talked a lot this year about surrender and love and I feel like this verse sums it much better than I could. We're called to delight ourselves in our Creator, to align our lives and our hearts with His because He loves us and cares for us. Psalm 37:3 says, "believe in the Eternal, and do what is good- live in the land He provides; roam, and rest in God's faithfulness." God loves us and wants everything to work out for our good but that means loving Him in return. 

    There's a song by Chris Renzema called "How To Be Yours" that I will gladly listen to on repeat. It's a song about inadequacy, about not wanting to be loved because we don't know how to be. I don't know how to be vulnerable all the time, I don't want to be. I'm scared of causing stress or being a burden. I'm scared of letting people down and I know I do that with God. I don't know why but we tend to believe we'll hurt people less or be less of a disappointment if keep space between us and the people around us but I don't think that's true. People hurt more when they see you struggling but can't do anything because they don't know what's going on or how best to help. There's nothing my family can do when I internalize everything. They have no idea what I'm feeling or what's going on inside my head because I don't open up. I know it's hard for them but I can't begin to imagine how God feels. That's what He has to face with everyone that has ever lived. I want to get to the point in my life where God is enough. It's easy to say that I trust Him and that I give Him control but then I curl back inside myself and shut down so easily. I want to overflow with love and be brave and kind. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want my knowledge to become revelation and to live how I've been called to live. 

    I've been thinking a lot about Mary this month with Christmas coming. We know she was young. For all I know, she could've been nineteen like me. She was engaged to be married and for all we know, she didn't love Joseph. It could've been arranged by her father. In that point in time, women had no choice but to marry. Luke calls her highly favored because of her faithfulness. The angel says it twice when he speaks with her. Out of everyone, she was chosen to bear the savior of the world. Can you imagine it? I can barely speak when God asks me to, I don't know that I could carry that kind of responsibility. It was inconvenient and I daresay inconsiderate. It would've been so easy for her to say no. "I'm unmarried, I've never been with a man, I'm not ready for a child. Don't you know the culture I live in? The punishment for immorality is death. I have responsibilities to my family and to my betrothed, how could you ask such a thing of me?" But God knew what He was doing when He chose her. He knew she would say yes and there was provision for it. When the angel told Joseph to take Mary as his wife, he did, even though it would've been easier to break off their engagement. Mary was not alone.

    God loves you enough to stay with you. He'll never ask you to do something and then leave to do it on your own strength. When we take joy in Him and choose to live according to His purpose, He promises to give us the desires of our heart. I want to be more like Mary. I want to say "Here I am, the Lord's humble servant. As you have said, let it be done to me (Luke 1:38)." The more I fight and try in my own strength, the more alone and defeated I feel. No matter what I do or where I go, nothing I do will ever be enough. But God promises to love us, He already does. He's the only one who can turn our failures and disappointments into blessings. He can give us our greatest possibilities out of our worst moments. His plan is for your good and He promises to look after us, to give us all we need and more. 

    God's love and mercy is never ending. That's why we celebrate Christmas in the first place, because He loved us enough to send His son, not just to die but to live and be an example to us. Everything Jesus did was out of love. Is it too much to ask that we love Him in return? 

    Lord, help me to put You first. Help me to listen for Your voice and to see Your love in everything. Make me more like You and help me to trust Your ways more than my own. Thank You for Your love and Your continued faithfulness in my life. I ask that You make me Yours. Teach me to love You as You have loved me and let Your will be done. In Jesus' name, amen.

Yours Truly,

Rey.