Seek First

     I'm tired today. This week has barely begun but it sits heavy on my shoulders. Life is something that's constantly happening, constantly going on around us, but there are definitely times when life happens all at once. The past couple weeks have culminated into such a feeling in me. It's frustrating too because there are changes coming and I have no idea how to plan for them, how to make them turn out for the best but I'm tired of feeling like things are just happening to me. Does this make sense? It just feels like the world has shifted, in some ways for the best, I'll give you that, but there's a lot leaving me with more questions than answers. I've felt lost and small and this may just be pms but no matter the cause, I'm still feeling those things. I am okay, I promise, I just feel like a lot of the things I was certain of are being overturned and questioned, and it's hard. My faith is so important to me but sometimes it feels much smaller than the the things I'm faced with. It's easier to talk about than to live out and that frustrates me immensely. When I read the Bible and all it's stories, I'm always amazed by the people and their faith. God is so good and so faithful to them, even to the people who didn't deserve it. I mean, none of us deserve it, let's be honest, but it's good to see that over and over. God will not forsake me just because I've made mistakes or doubted Him. He's bigger than that and that's something I need right now. 

    I really love it when things fall into place, even the small things. I think we can all agree that it's immensely satisfying, even when it isn't of our own accord. At my young adults meeting, we talked about what we're doing and where we're going and how that plays into bringing about the kingdom of God. It got me thinking, a lot of that you can see in my opening paragraph, though I was intentionally vague. My life seemed to have settled and I was genuinely okay with that, there was enough growth and movement that I was content. There's a lot in my life that I love, people, events, moments, even my job some days. I've forsaken a lot of my writing, which does pain me, and there were habits that I was developing at the beginning of this year that stopped when I got my job that shouldn't have but there has still been good nonetheless. Change is necessary but I wish it wasn't always so abrupt.

    I've never had many dreams. I don't know why, I don't know that side of my psychology, but I'm good at being content with smaller things. I don't consider myself adventurous, even ambitious (an unfair perspective, I know). I know I can be far to practical and realistic and that plays into a lot of it but I like to keep things simple. Unfortunately, part of my feeling lost has to do with my hesitancy. I want to be an author and a writer, I know that, but I'm scared to go after it. There's no way to plan it all out, I don't know what goals to set, so I don't chase after it. It's so stupid, I know. I love it but some days I'm scared I don't love it enough. I don't want to set expectations for what my life might look like in five years or ten because I can't plan for it, life isn't like that, there are far too many unknowns. Knowing what I want hasn't helped me go after it. I have a vision, I have dreams, but I'm too rooted in reality to do very much about them. Perhaps everyone goes through this in their lives but it's been pretty lonely. We all want to do something with our lives, for our lives to matter, but that means living them.

    Our conversation on Monday was based in the end of Mark 9. It's the passage where Jesus is talking to his disciples, telling them that if a hand, foot, or eye is causing them to sin, they're better off cutting that part off than to be led into hell. It's actually kind of scary, definitely metaphorical, but worth thinking about. My young adults leader said something along these lines: "it's easy to choose heaven over hell but harder to choose heaven over earth." What we have, what we see and experience all around us, is far more prevalent then something that will only come when we're dead. That's our firsthand experience and yes, until we're dead or the end comes, we're stuck with this life and this world. But when Jesus came and died, He did more than just pay for our sins. Historically, the presence of the Lord resided in a part of the temple that only a selected priest could enter in order to offer sacrifices. Even that was risky. They wore bells on their garments and had a rope tied around them so that the people would know if they had died and could pull them out. But, it was the only way to ask forgiveness, to intercede for the brokenness of mankind. In the gospel accounts of Matthew, Mark, and Luke, the authors record that when Jesus died, the curtain in the temple was torn and we were all given access through Jesus to partake in God's presence. We can live for heaven if we want to, if we try. We have that freedom and access. Yes, the world is in the forefront of our vision and experience but that isn't all there is.

    The entire concept of true Christianity (I phrase it like the because there are a lot of different denominations with varying interpretations but I believe this is the foundation of what it means to be a Christian) is surrender. It's dying to yourself and to the world. It's living for something bigger than yourself and your desires. It's realizing what your hand is doing, where you're feet are taking you, what your eyes are fixed on, and shifting your direction accordingly. I'm sure I've quoted this scripture before but Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse that I tend to gravitate too whenever something comes to challenge my faith. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' say the Eternal, 'plans for peace, not evil, to give you a future and hope-never forget that.'" We've been given the grace and the opportunity to have a relationship with God, to bring heaven to earth in how we live, why shouldn't we take advantage of that? If God's promises are true and He is who He says He is, then living for heaven should be easy. He promises a hope and a future, has plan for peace. I don't know that I will ever be like Paul who said, "For me to live is Christ, to die is gain." His life was about God alone and death meant an opportunity to be with his maker and no matter the outcome, no matter how hard it was, he was determined to live his life like that and he did. He wrote nearly half of the new testament and was an enormous part of the early church and it's success. He faced more pain and persecution than I ever want to experience but he lived his life doing whatever he could to further the kingdom of God. The realities of this world didn't stop him from sharing the love and the grace told in the gospels and found in relationship with God. He was fighting and believing for something greater. 

    Now, when we talked about vision in my young adults group, I doubt this is what they were talking about. Earthly goals are important, they're how you develop good habits and improve yourself. They're a good system to take you to where you want to be, to help you be better. I do think that it's important to know what you want, what your dreams are, and pursue them. Because I believe that we were created by God, I believe that who we are and the dreams that we have are intentional but as I said in my last post, we were created to be with God above everything else. That's why, as Christians, we have to be so careful of what we fix our eyes on, where we go, and how we live. In Matthew 6:33, Jesus tells us to seek first the the kingdom of God and His righteousness and promises that everything else will fall into place.

    I know this is so much easier said than done. My first thought in the morning is not gratitude that I get to live another day, it's thoughts of murder towards my alarm. It's so easy to get caught up in what's going on around us and inside of us, that's how I started this post, but we have an opportunity to live and strive for something greater. I hope to grow closer to my Creator every day. Above all my dreams and the goals that I set, I want my sights to be fixed on Him because His plans and promised are greater than anything I can achieve on my own. 

Yours Truly,

Rey